America: the book--the Calendar!!

Occasionally, I intend to post a few of the more excellent tidbits from my page-a-day America: the book calendar that I got for Christmas. There've been some excellent ones so far, and I'm only on Day 6 (the best was the New Year's Day pie chart as to why democracy was in decline--the majority of people said 'because the monetary rewards weren't good enough, but it's the 8% who said they 'had a thing' that killed me). I thought I'd share the funny from today.

The Founding...Mothers?!?
by Rob Corddry

Molly Hays, a/k/a "Molly Pitcher"
During the Revolutionary War, soldiers would often get very thirsty while fighting. That's where Mary Hays came in, bravely carrying pitchers of water to the soldiers, running unarmed across the battlefield as bullets and shells whizzed by her. Once during Pledge Week, the brothers made us carry thimbles full of our own urine across the Quad while screaming "Faggots!" in our faces, so I know what she went through.

(no subject)

It bothered my family all last week, and now it's finally gotten to me--The Phantom of the Opera music is now stuck in my head. We watched the movie version upstate, and, well, yours truly got lots of reaction to her opinions, so maybe this is the movie's vengeance, letting me hum random bits of ditties.

Well, fuck you, movie Phantom. Christine Daae was fugly, Raoul made a wonderful girl--you know, if you overlooked the muttonchops, Donna Reed wig, and absolutely awful acting, and the Phantom had about as much facial scarring as I do (granted, that isn't saying much, seeing as I lost that battle with a searing-hot cast iron skillet in a freak blacksmithing accident, but true, just the same). If I want to be sung at, I'll take the CDs, thank you. You and your Hollywood harlotry can go suck on the movie Phantom fandom (gah, say that five times fast, why don't you?). Seriously, they destroyed the story in trying to make it make sense. Honestly, if the Phantom has to actually cause the accidents onscreen, you're not trying hard enough.

*****

In other movie news, I rented Strange Days from Netflix. It's got a good premise, but the story falls apart in chunks and pieces, crumbling to bits along the way. Ways it could have been improved:
A) Let Ralph Fiennes and Angela Bassett be naked. No, there doesn't have to be a reason, they are just both really hot.
B) Never let Juliette Lewis sing. Ever. Period.
C) If you put Vincent D'Onofrio, William Fichtner, Tom Sizemore, and Michael Wincott together in the same movie, it is sleaze-character actor overload. Please remove at least two.

I liked the idea of re-living other people's memories--yet another question of what makes reality, done really well here as people aren't merely living other realities, but other real realities, complete with adrenaline rushes associated therewith. There are some disturbing possibilities that most other films don't go into--making a recorded memory of a rape and murder, for instance--which really puts the dangers of such technology to a better forefront than the 'us vs them' contrivances of sci-fi cinema.

But come on, Ralph Fiennes as a sleaze-bag? He does dirty, he does psycho, he does sociopath, but as a con-man drug hustler? Please. Oh, and the soundtrack sucked.