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Bad movie night
Sep. 23rd, 2006 11:47 pmSo far this evening, I've caught the last twenty minutes of Doom and am about as long again into Alone in the Dark, a movie that ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
xannoside swore up and down was like the worst he'd ever seen. I've also noted that Cube Zero, the second shitty sequel to Cube is on, and buzzed that for about six seconds (long as I could stand it, folks).
What I've learned from this masochistic abuse:
1. Karl Urban is fucking hot, no matter how shitty things look all around him or even if he is starring in Doom.
Yes, even when he had the braided mullet-o-doom (no pun intended) in The Chronicles of Riddick, he stayed fairly hot. With short, spiked hair, some injuries, and lots of grunting as he gets beat up, he's even more so. This is no excuse for watching any part of Doom. However, I am really glad that that is as much of the movie as I had to watch before I felt incredibly nauseated. Shooting a movie like it's a first-person shooter? SO NOT COOL. I can't explain how come I can put up with FPSes when I play them, but watching a movie version of that, with the gun bobbing around in the corner and the creatures constantly attacking outward from the screen? I might be sick just thinking about it. I thought it was stupid when I saw the trailers. Now I know: it's not stupid, it's advaaaaaaanced (aka insane).
2. The Rock versus anyone is not a fair fight except in the movies.
He's big. 'Nuff said. Not that it wasn't fun to see him taken down by the scrawny guy, but yeah, the fuck you say.
3. The years have not been kind to Christian Slater's body, but his voice remains fairly distinctive.
Really, he sounds like your ideal reader for certain books on tape. I guess it helps that he was doing a noir-ish reading of what is basically a knockoff of The Relic. From what I've seen so far, I mean.
4. Tara Reid in glasses may look less slutty, but she is still Tara Reid in glasses. Asking anyone to believe that she's smarter than a postage stamp, let alone assistant curator or whatever, is a bit much.
Look, playing to type is okay--hell, people win Oscars playing to type. Tara Reid can play to type, and kudos for letting her act like a bitch because that's almost getting the idea. But you can teach her to say one complicated word with an accent and have it not make a dent in her overall aura of stupidity. She oozes it, and all the "Ooh, look, I'm smart!" lines you throw at here only bounce off her protective buffer of irritating idiocy and make it that much more obvious she can't act, let alone act smart.
5. A great idea for making a sequel: have the new people stuck in the deathtrap rehash the same exact problems as the people who were in the first movie.
It's a cube. It's loaded with booby traps. We get it. Oh, look, coordinates! Because that's obviously what the numbers/letters must be. Let's not even think about it because we saw Cube and we know how this works. Woo!
6. You know what the problem with Cube was? They never answered the question of why the cube existed and why the people were in it. Our sequel is that much more awesome because we do explain it. And our intrepid heroes are going to figure it out so they can stop it from ever being used again!!!
Because movie watchers hate subtlety. It's best you explain it. Using words with fewer than three syllables, please; after all, I just watched Doom and things aren't looking good for my brain to be surviving Alone in the Dark either...
xannoside swore up and down was like the worst he'd ever seen. I've also noted that Cube Zero, the second shitty sequel to Cube is on, and buzzed that for about six seconds (long as I could stand it, folks).What I've learned from this masochistic abuse:
1. Karl Urban is fucking hot, no matter how shitty things look all around him or even if he is starring in Doom.
Yes, even when he had the braided mullet-o-doom (no pun intended) in The Chronicles of Riddick, he stayed fairly hot. With short, spiked hair, some injuries, and lots of grunting as he gets beat up, he's even more so. This is no excuse for watching any part of Doom. However, I am really glad that that is as much of the movie as I had to watch before I felt incredibly nauseated. Shooting a movie like it's a first-person shooter? SO NOT COOL. I can't explain how come I can put up with FPSes when I play them, but watching a movie version of that, with the gun bobbing around in the corner and the creatures constantly attacking outward from the screen? I might be sick just thinking about it. I thought it was stupid when I saw the trailers. Now I know: it's not stupid, it's advaaaaaaanced (aka insane).
2. The Rock versus anyone is not a fair fight except in the movies.
He's big. 'Nuff said. Not that it wasn't fun to see him taken down by the scrawny guy, but yeah, the fuck you say.
3. The years have not been kind to Christian Slater's body, but his voice remains fairly distinctive.
Really, he sounds like your ideal reader for certain books on tape. I guess it helps that he was doing a noir-ish reading of what is basically a knockoff of The Relic. From what I've seen so far, I mean.
4. Tara Reid in glasses may look less slutty, but she is still Tara Reid in glasses. Asking anyone to believe that she's smarter than a postage stamp, let alone assistant curator or whatever, is a bit much.
Look, playing to type is okay--hell, people win Oscars playing to type. Tara Reid can play to type, and kudos for letting her act like a bitch because that's almost getting the idea. But you can teach her to say one complicated word with an accent and have it not make a dent in her overall aura of stupidity. She oozes it, and all the "Ooh, look, I'm smart!" lines you throw at here only bounce off her protective buffer of irritating idiocy and make it that much more obvious she can't act, let alone act smart.
5. A great idea for making a sequel: have the new people stuck in the deathtrap rehash the same exact problems as the people who were in the first movie.
It's a cube. It's loaded with booby traps. We get it. Oh, look, coordinates! Because that's obviously what the numbers/letters must be. Let's not even think about it because we saw Cube and we know how this works. Woo!
6. You know what the problem with Cube was? They never answered the question of why the cube existed and why the people were in it. Our sequel is that much more awesome because we do explain it. And our intrepid heroes are going to figure it out so they can stop it from ever being used again!!!
Because movie watchers hate subtlety. It's best you explain it. Using words with fewer than three syllables, please; after all, I just watched Doom and things aren't looking good for my brain to be surviving Alone in the Dark either...
