Superhero Girlfriends: The Marvel Scene-It Edition

What's so wrong with being a superhero's girlfriend anyway? Well, plenty, if this latest brou-ha-ha over the MJ statue is indicative of anything (it is).

Sigh. There's nothing at all to say about the inanity of comic book character statuettes that could be any more clever than anything that's been said before. Personally, I find most of those statues really fugly, especially the busts with no arms. Seriously, if it's going to be a bust, end it at the bust. Don't give me a torso with no arms. I mean...yaaarghh!! Gross!

Look at that last link--just look at the difference between the black-costume Spider-Man and Venom. Giving Venom arms instead of nonsensically chopping said arms off at the shoulder or midway through the bicep increases the dynamism of the statuette. The same rule of drawing comics should apply to busts, you ask me--if the artists do their best to imply a sense of motion and action to a still image, then the sculptor ought to do his/her best to carry that movement over into the three-dimensional representation. Dude, how much more awesomely HULK SMASH-y is this bust for having the Gray Hulk about to pound the shit out of the coffee table you put it on? A lot, that's how much more. THEY NEUTERED APOCALYPSE BY TAKING OFF HIS ARMS. THAT IS SO WRONG FOR EN SABAH NUR, I CANNOT BEGIN TO OVERCAPITALIZE MY RAGE ENOUGH!!! WHAT IS EVEN THE GODDAMNED POINT!?!

Ahem. Anyway, there's plenty of ways to keep arms. A popular one seems to be having the character in question cross his arms over his chest (I say "his" because this does not seem to be the same rule for the busts of female characters--probably because that would negate the point of a bust of a character like Psylocke, which is, namely, to be showing off her chest). But if you can make room for the Jackman to menace your bookshelf with his claws or a Bizarro Brandon Routh to threaten the ceiling with his raised fist, you can figure out more arm postures to keep the goddamned arms on the goddamned bust if you're going to insist on still calling it a bust even though it goes all the way down to the waist.

Ahem. I think I was starting to write about superheroes' girlfriends, right? ( Right. )

I think that got away from me. It's mostly me rar-rar-rarring over the fact that there really aren't any admirable superhero girlfriends in the movies. Yes, I can understand the attraction of a Jessica Alba (hey, I'd do her), but you get nothing but funny looks if you try telling anyone you like movie-Invisible Woman for her "personality" (I like her for her boyfriends! And her hot brother!). That's all I'm saying.

Oh, and back on the subject of statues? If I were ever to shell out a superfluous $200 I didn't otherwise need or found on the street or something for one of those statues? I'd totally buy this one. It's like this one, only WAY MORE AWESOME because it's evil. Dark Phoenix is way sexier than Phoenix Light.

In the spirit of mending rather than tearing apart...

ETA: Oh God. The phrase, "But, yeah, fanboy homophobia is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it? It's not your father's gay panic, that's for sure," is so awesome. Because apparently MJ can't show off her panties hard enough just by wearing them outside her pants, but draw a superhero with a PENIS and you have got problems. Hilarious. Personally, I'm just waiting for comics to acknowledge or at least address whatever FABULOUS support that superheroines are using to get their tits so perky. Are those built into the suits or what?

After my last post, I was thinking about what we could do with future tributes to comic characters and their infallibly sexy bods that would be less objectionable than what was done to Mary-Jane. Mostly? I'd just like to see a coy, sexy statuette of a character celebrate her own enjoyment of herself and her body independently of the male gaze.

And having it actually be sexy as opposed to a grotesque adorned with items associated with sex would be a big step. You know how you could make a sexy statuette of Mary-Jane that still related her to Spider-Man (in case the people shelling out $100-200 for the statue somehow didn't know)? Have it just be her, relaxing, smiling, being happy and maybe, I dunno, wearing a button-up shirt with her chest exposed so you could see she was wearing the Spidey suit underneath. I've generally heard/found that guys really do find women wearing their clothing pretty damned hot. Plus, you'd have the pizzaz and audacity of Mary-Jane--having lifted what is obviously a pretty important piece of clothing from her spouse--right on display. It conveys a much more lively sense of humor and engagement on the part of the character being viewed such that, while, yes, you can ogle her tits and spend as much time as you like running fingers over her bum, the enjoyment of the character as sexy is side-by-side with the character as person, with all the thoughts, humor, and attitude thereof (as opposed to the pornified crap they churned out with this last one).

And then? I'd like to request a whole line of statues of heroes in the hero pose with their masks off. Because that shit is hot, too.