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One Sentence Reviews
Jan. 12th, 2009 05:35 pmI weathered two disasters upstate this weekend:
1) The pipes froze in the garage, so water that couldn't pump through them came spilling into the house.
2) The DirecTV wasn't working and I had to subsist entirely on movies I'd taped with every intention of never really watching.
Predictably, when faced with a TiVO choc-full of movies that have some reputed merit (Gone Baby Gone, Whale Rider, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Topsy-Turvy, and Kickin' It Old Skool), I drifted entirely into the realm of crap. I now pass on my experience to you, at the low, low cost of free. You may still, however, want back the few minutes of your life it takes to read this list, but trust me: in the long run, I'm saving you a lot more time to be with your loved ones (not watching these movies).
Dead Silence: Isn't it overkill to go out of one's way to make the case that ventriloquists (and their freakish dummies) are creepy and evil?
I.Q.: Although not without its charms, this movie can be summed up in three words: Meg Ryan movie.
The Wicker Man: A community of women who shun the outside world, are generally self-sustained, chose their own mates, and have babies without being dependent on the men who knocked them up are, of course, evil bitches intent only on the slaughter of children and subjugation (and mutilation and murderation) of men.
The Return: It must suck to realize that the woman who was stabbed to death was way more awesome (and had a lot more agency) than you.
The Arrival: It's a wonder Charlie Sheen's face didn't just stick that way after the first half hour of him making "I am ASTONISHED and HORRIFIED" his sole expression.
Vacancy: I would have liked it better if the couple had to survive being menaced by killers while still being really pissed at and spiteful of one another.
1) The pipes froze in the garage, so water that couldn't pump through them came spilling into the house.
2) The DirecTV wasn't working and I had to subsist entirely on movies I'd taped with every intention of never really watching.
Predictably, when faced with a TiVO choc-full of movies that have some reputed merit (Gone Baby Gone, Whale Rider, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Topsy-Turvy, and Kickin' It Old Skool), I drifted entirely into the realm of crap. I now pass on my experience to you, at the low, low cost of free. You may still, however, want back the few minutes of your life it takes to read this list, but trust me: in the long run, I'm saving you a lot more time to be with your loved ones (not watching these movies).
Dead Silence: Isn't it overkill to go out of one's way to make the case that ventriloquists (and their freakish dummies) are creepy and evil?
I.Q.: Although not without its charms, this movie can be summed up in three words: Meg Ryan movie.
The Wicker Man: A community of women who shun the outside world, are generally self-sustained, chose their own mates, and have babies without being dependent on the men who knocked them up are, of course, evil bitches intent only on the slaughter of children and subjugation (and mutilation and murderation) of men.
The Return: It must suck to realize that the woman who was stabbed to death was way more awesome (and had a lot more agency) than you.
The Arrival: It's a wonder Charlie Sheen's face didn't just stick that way after the first half hour of him making "I am ASTONISHED and HORRIFIED" his sole expression.
Vacancy: I would have liked it better if the couple had to survive being menaced by killers while still being really pissed at and spiteful of one another.
