A Netflix Rant?
Jun. 13th, 2006 01:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trinityvixenBut, trinityvixen, I thought you loved Netflix!
Yeah, well, there've been two misfires in a row here--Advent Children and The Dukes of Hazzard--and I was really looking forward to completing that trifecta of pain with Underworld: Evolution just so's I could get all the stupid, "I know it's going to suck/not make sense/explode my brain, but..." choices out of the way. Turns out there's a long wait now on UE. Which is really fucking stupid, because there shouldn't have to be any waiting for something that's going to be as fucking shitty as it promises to be (and, no, that in no way changes my urge to see it). I should upgrade my account to two DVDs at a time just so I can rent Underworld: Evolution and Bloodrayne at the same time and see which one wins the title of "Shittiest Movie Made As An Excuse To See A Hot Chick In Tight Vinyl Clothing."
Fuck it, I'm adding Bloodrayne to my queue as I type this. It promises to be magnificently terrible in the way only an Uwe Boll movie can be (Oh, House of the Dead.... ::sings:: meeeeeeemories....).
No, fuck you, Netflix, I'm moving Bloodrayne to the top of my fucking queue. I want slutty vampire vixens, and I want them now. Damn it, if I don't delete that later, I'm gonna get weird internet things finding me to offer me that. I don't want them! I don't want it! ::moves Bloodrayne to safe distance down queue where I can forget about it and have it sprung upon me as a nasty surprise sometime later this summer).
And what the F is with my recommendations on Netflix? I've reviewed five hundred and fifty-eight titles. They have five recommendations for me. That's, like, a lot considering that two seconds ago when I'd only reviewed a measly five hundred and fifty-two movies, I had one. ONE: Batman: the Animated Series Vol. 4. That's genius, Netflix. I reviewed Vol 1-3 highly, so I can see you pulled out all the stops on your telepathic selection to find a DVD set that I might like. You know what? Fuck you, and fuck the WB version of BTAS. If I want a hot Bruce Wayne, I'll go boink Christian Bale. If I want a bat-shit (oh, God, I didn't mean...not...making...pun...on purpose...) crazy insane Batman, I know where to pick up some Frank-fucking-Miller volumes, thanks. I like my BTAS Fox-style. I don't care if the writing team is the same, neither. It just isn't the same.
What are my shiny new recommendations then?
Netflix: Oh, well, you said you liked Pride & Prejudice (1995), so TRY WATCHING EVERY VERSION OF IT EVER MADE. Except the newest one, because you reviewed that at a previously unheard of NEGATIVE ELEVENTY TRILLION STARS. You also managed to generate hate-spam to Keira Knightley's inbox through our website, and now we're being sued.
Me: Well, you fucking deserve it. Recycle those DVDs at once. Make them into coasters for people with taste. Or cheap frisbees for college kids. Or break them and hand them out as primitive weapons so that when the revolution comes, the army of people who are tired of starlets trying to rewrite PERFECTLY GOOD LITERATURE INTO SHITTY TERRIBLE MOVIES will have something to slit the throats of every CEO of every studio in Hollywood.
Netflix: ...
Me: I'm waiting.
Netflix: Uh...well...You did give the first six episodes of Horatio Hornblower a glowing review. So, uh, how about episodes seven and eight?
Me: ::lunges at Netflix with broken Pride and Prejudice (2005) discs:: GRRRRAAAAAARGHGGHG!!!!!
Netflix: (dying) But...you...said you liked it!!!
Me: ONLY BECAUSE YOUR SITE DIDN'T LET ME REVIEW THE ENTIRE FUCKING SERIES!?! Oh, wait. I actually like that you split up the first six from the "new" "adventures." That way I can vote 1-6 as SUPER EXCELLENT AWESOME and 7 and 8 as "If you find Horatio's testicles, I might be interested in watching this."
Netflix: You have anger issues.
Me: ::brandishes broken DVDs:: Go on. Tempt me, bitches.
Netflix: Well, you've gone through the rec's we had for you and rated them. You rated a lot of them "No Opinion," so we've got nothing for you. Kudos for reaching 580 recs, though.
Me: Once again, it's on.
Yeah, well, there've been two misfires in a row here--Advent Children and The Dukes of Hazzard--and I was really looking forward to completing that trifecta of pain with Underworld: Evolution just so's I could get all the stupid, "I know it's going to suck/not make sense/explode my brain, but..." choices out of the way. Turns out there's a long wait now on UE. Which is really fucking stupid, because there shouldn't have to be any waiting for something that's going to be as fucking shitty as it promises to be (and, no, that in no way changes my urge to see it). I should upgrade my account to two DVDs at a time just so I can rent Underworld: Evolution and Bloodrayne at the same time and see which one wins the title of "Shittiest Movie Made As An Excuse To See A Hot Chick In Tight Vinyl Clothing."
Fuck it, I'm adding Bloodrayne to my queue as I type this. It promises to be magnificently terrible in the way only an Uwe Boll movie can be (Oh, House of the Dead.... ::sings:: meeeeeeemories....).
No, fuck you, Netflix, I'm moving Bloodrayne to the top of my fucking queue. I want slutty vampire vixens, and I want them now. Damn it, if I don't delete that later, I'm gonna get weird internet things finding me to offer me that. I don't want them! I don't want it! ::moves Bloodrayne to safe distance down queue where I can forget about it and have it sprung upon me as a nasty surprise sometime later this summer).
And what the F is with my recommendations on Netflix? I've reviewed five hundred and fifty-eight titles. They have five recommendations for me. That's, like, a lot considering that two seconds ago when I'd only reviewed a measly five hundred and fifty-two movies, I had one. ONE: Batman: the Animated Series Vol. 4. That's genius, Netflix. I reviewed Vol 1-3 highly, so I can see you pulled out all the stops on your telepathic selection to find a DVD set that I might like. You know what? Fuck you, and fuck the WB version of BTAS. If I want a hot Bruce Wayne, I'll go boink Christian Bale. If I want a bat-shit (oh, God, I didn't mean...not...making...pun...on purpose...) crazy insane Batman, I know where to pick up some Frank-fucking-Miller volumes, thanks. I like my BTAS Fox-style. I don't care if the writing team is the same, neither. It just isn't the same.
What are my shiny new recommendations then?
Netflix: Oh, well, you said you liked Pride & Prejudice (1995), so TRY WATCHING EVERY VERSION OF IT EVER MADE. Except the newest one, because you reviewed that at a previously unheard of NEGATIVE ELEVENTY TRILLION STARS. You also managed to generate hate-spam to Keira Knightley's inbox through our website, and now we're being sued.
Me: Well, you fucking deserve it. Recycle those DVDs at once. Make them into coasters for people with taste. Or cheap frisbees for college kids. Or break them and hand them out as primitive weapons so that when the revolution comes, the army of people who are tired of starlets trying to rewrite PERFECTLY GOOD LITERATURE INTO SHITTY TERRIBLE MOVIES will have something to slit the throats of every CEO of every studio in Hollywood.
Netflix: ...
Me: I'm waiting.
Netflix: Uh...well...You did give the first six episodes of Horatio Hornblower a glowing review. So, uh, how about episodes seven and eight?
Me: ::lunges at Netflix with broken Pride and Prejudice (2005) discs:: GRRRRAAAAAARGHGGHG!!!!!
Netflix: (dying) But...you...said you liked it!!!
Me: ONLY BECAUSE YOUR SITE DIDN'T LET ME REVIEW THE ENTIRE FUCKING SERIES!?! Oh, wait. I actually like that you split up the first six from the "new" "adventures." That way I can vote 1-6 as SUPER EXCELLENT AWESOME and 7 and 8 as "If you find Horatio's testicles, I might be interested in watching this."
Netflix: You have anger issues.
Me: ::brandishes broken DVDs:: Go on. Tempt me, bitches.
Netflix: Well, you've gone through the rec's we had for you and rated them. You rated a lot of them "No Opinion," so we've got nothing for you. Kudos for reaching 580 recs, though.
Me: Once again, it's on.
