![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trinityvixenNo, I mean it. Underworld: Evolution may well have been worse than Bloodrayne. Uwe Boll, you may not have made the worst, most unintelligibly, incomprehensibly plotted, dismally shot, poorly acted movie about a vampire chick ever! Break open the champagne, man!
No, really, really, really, I mean I may have "enjoyed" Bloodrayne more. They're almost the exact same movie shot with different budgets. If you picture Bloodrayne as the Sci-Fi channel version of like Starship Troopers and Underworld: Evolution the theatrical version of the same, you'll have a fair idea of how they compare. And they are practically the same movie.
That's mostly joking, but it's not wrong for being facetious. Vampire having random sex with naked chicks--check for both movies. Gratuitous, poorly rendered (either with standard or CG special effects)--check and check. Acting pretty piss-poor despite actors clearly taking it seriously--well, I guess the cast of Bloodrayne were faking it, some of them, but everyone in Underworld: Evolution thought they were making goddamned Shakespearean drama or something.
And, all right, that's it. The first Underworld was mostly dead boring, but it was pretty, and there were moments of fun action and some all right acting. To say the sequel made the first look like Citizen Kane would notbe hyperbole. No rules, no "why does this hurt people and that doesn't?" type of methodology, no direction, no plot, bad flashback sequences to the first film, rewriting the timeline that even I, who didn't remember it from the first film, could tell they were fucking up time something severe, and goddamnit when is that guy from Felicity EVER GOING TO LEARN TO SPEAK NOT IN A WHISPER?! Also, what the F was up with his neck? His head looks tiny on this thick-ass tree-trunk neck with these disgustingly large tendons that he strains whenever he's supposed to be like acting or something. I will take the pissy no-name actor from Bloodrayne, and that's with a mullet, mind, over the actor playing Michael.
And they changed how he looked in hybrid form...why? Selene says he needs to eat blood or he'll freak out, but she doesn't...why? He can't eat normal food or control his transformation except when it's convenient to the plot...why? She is able to beat the uber-vampire...how? She can stand in sunlight at the end...because?
So many questions--too stupid a movie to be worth looking for answers.
On a lighter note,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
feiran and I watched a disc's worth more of the first season of Lois and Clark, and it definitely improved my mood. I don't really care for Dean Cain--he's not very handsome to my mind, and his costume as Superman is ridiculous--but I think he does a good enough job with Clark, and the rest of the cast is actually pretty awesome. I really wish they'd found a Perry as good as Lane Smith for Superman Returns (movie Perry was kinda blah-blah to me).
Something I noticed though? We got ten episodes into the show at least before kryptonite ever even came up. That's a record, I think, among the TV shows. Smallville had kryptonite from the first episode. On top of that, there was also a noticeable delay in anyone finding out about Clark's secret (actually, it was the same episode as the kryptonite one), which again, I think has to be a record. He was worried about it from the series' premiere, and hence, the costume, but no one was looking for him as Superman.
That's a nice dove-tail with the comics, where Superman's lack of a mask always served as his best protection from being found out. People assumed that since he made no effort to disguise his face, he had nothing to hide, no alter-ego to defend. That's more powerful than a pair of glasses and a change of hair gel.
Oh, and, speaking of which?feiran cracked my shit up when we were watching it last night. Superman was under an injunction not to use his powers, so Clark was boiling water for tea instead of heating it himself when Lois came over looking for Superman (through some wrangling, he ended up "staying with Clark"). Clark does a quick change into Superman (so much for not using his powers) when Clark says Supes is in the shower, and as he comes out, he pours some water onto his hand to slick back his hair, which, naturally, perfectly tames Clark's curlier hair into Superman's greasy 'do.
feiran: He had hair gel in his kettle!!!
Me: ::cackles and dies laughing::
No, really, really, really, I mean I may have "enjoyed" Bloodrayne more. They're almost the exact same movie shot with different budgets. If you picture Bloodrayne as the Sci-Fi channel version of like Starship Troopers and Underworld: Evolution the theatrical version of the same, you'll have a fair idea of how they compare. And they are practically the same movie.
| BloodRayne | Underworld: Evolution | Winner |
| Star is Kristanna Loken as Rayne, an attractive female vampire with tits in tight costume | Stars Kate Beckinsale as Selene, a more attractive female with almost no tits in a tight costume | Bloodrayne |
| Love interest is Sebastian, a human vampire hunter who is impaled on sword by movie's end | Love interest is Michael, a former human, vampire/werewolf hybrid who is impaled on a piece of pipe somewhere in the middle | Sebastian--at least he had an excuse for being so fucking weak (::mutters:: hybrid superbeing my ass) |
| Gratuitous sex scene lacks chemistry because partners have barely spoken to each other | Gratuitous sex scene lacks chemistry because partners have barely spoken to each other | Hmm, tie? |
| Proves that vampire hybrids have no idea how to mate because they stand three feet away from their partner in coitus | Proves that vampire/werewolf hybrids have no idea how to mate because they think the penis is supposed to go in the girl's belly button (no, I am not kidding) | Bloodrayne, I guess--I wouldn't want my belly button raped |
| Bad guy (Ben Kingsley) wants to become supervampire by unleashing power of long-dead former vampire, Beliar | Bad guy (fucked if I know) wants to unleash superwerewolf brother, William, so two superpowered, uncontrolled morons can run amok | Neither, but the audience is definitely the loser |
| Rayne's weapon of choice: blades that look like sheet metal punchouts | Selene's weapon of choice: guns with regular bullets ('cause that makes sense) | Bloodrayne |
| Rayne taken out with blow to head. | Selene still kicking after being run through in hand and leg and after feeding Michael her own blood | Okay, this is like the one time Underworld: Evolution wins |
That's mostly joking, but it's not wrong for being facetious. Vampire having random sex with naked chicks--check for both movies. Gratuitous, poorly rendered (either with standard or CG special effects)--check and check. Acting pretty piss-poor despite actors clearly taking it seriously--well, I guess the cast of Bloodrayne were faking it, some of them, but everyone in Underworld: Evolution thought they were making goddamned Shakespearean drama or something.
And, all right, that's it. The first Underworld was mostly dead boring, but it was pretty, and there were moments of fun action and some all right acting. To say the sequel made the first look like Citizen Kane would notbe hyperbole. No rules, no "why does this hurt people and that doesn't?" type of methodology, no direction, no plot, bad flashback sequences to the first film, rewriting the timeline that even I, who didn't remember it from the first film, could tell they were fucking up time something severe, and goddamnit when is that guy from Felicity EVER GOING TO LEARN TO SPEAK NOT IN A WHISPER?! Also, what the F was up with his neck? His head looks tiny on this thick-ass tree-trunk neck with these disgustingly large tendons that he strains whenever he's supposed to be like acting or something. I will take the pissy no-name actor from Bloodrayne, and that's with a mullet, mind, over the actor playing Michael.
And they changed how he looked in hybrid form...why? Selene says he needs to eat blood or he'll freak out, but she doesn't...why? He can't eat normal food or control his transformation except when it's convenient to the plot...why? She is able to beat the uber-vampire...how? She can stand in sunlight at the end...because?
So many questions--too stupid a movie to be worth looking for answers.
On a lighter note,
feiran and I watched a disc's worth more of the first season of Lois and Clark, and it definitely improved my mood. I don't really care for Dean Cain--he's not very handsome to my mind, and his costume as Superman is ridiculous--but I think he does a good enough job with Clark, and the rest of the cast is actually pretty awesome. I really wish they'd found a Perry as good as Lane Smith for Superman Returns (movie Perry was kinda blah-blah to me).
Something I noticed though? We got ten episodes into the show at least before kryptonite ever even came up. That's a record, I think, among the TV shows. Smallville had kryptonite from the first episode. On top of that, there was also a noticeable delay in anyone finding out about Clark's secret (actually, it was the same episode as the kryptonite one), which again, I think has to be a record. He was worried about it from the series' premiere, and hence, the costume, but no one was looking for him as Superman.
That's a nice dove-tail with the comics, where Superman's lack of a mask always served as his best protection from being found out. People assumed that since he made no effort to disguise his face, he had nothing to hide, no alter-ego to defend. That's more powerful than a pair of glasses and a change of hair gel.
Oh, and, speaking of which?
feiran cracked my shit up when we were watching it last night. Superman was under an injunction not to use his powers, so Clark was boiling water for tea instead of heating it himself when Lois came over looking for Superman (through some wrangling, he ended up "staying with Clark"). Clark does a quick change into Superman (so much for not using his powers) when Clark says Supes is in the shower, and as he comes out, he pours some water onto his hand to slick back his hair, which, naturally, perfectly tames Clark's curlier hair into Superman's greasy 'do.
feiran: He had hair gel in his kettle!!!
Me: ::cackles and dies laughing::
