THE LEFT HAND!!!! HAND!!! THE LEFT!!!

[trinityvixen]

Without spoiling, I can honestly say Van Helsing was fun and awesome in that "I can't believe how funnily silly this is" way. It was directed by the guy who did The Mummy, so of course it's going to borrow liberally from stuff, be hammy as all hell, cheesy as the state of Vermont and Wisconsin. We laughed, Carrie cried (she hated it, shame on her, but she was a good sport about the teasing--I say she deserved it for not having enough fun), we had a fairly amusing time all around.

Oh, the title is taken from the notion the film raised about certain people born to fight evil being ::dramatic voice, left fist shaking:: THE LEFT HAND OF GOD!!! This will be the new BALL OF DEATH! comment, if I have anything to say about it (and seeing as I didn't shut up about it for the entire train ride back, I have a lot to say). It's already gotten to be text and we've devolved into subtext, comments like "The left hand!" and "You know what I'll smite you with!!" etc. Which is awesome. THE LEFT HAND!!!! DON'T MAKE ME USE IT! I GOT THE BIG MAN BEHIND ME ON THIS ONE!!! Also awesomeness/intense geekiness goes to Lisa R and I for having all of the MTV Matrix Reloaded Spoof memorized and finding it still hilarious after so long...we laughed, we cried, we scared everyone on the platform.

The movie had its share of cliches, but I loooooved the old monster movie tributes: the werewolf (whom they originally called the wolf man in the film) kept falling in the river, a tribute to the way the Wolf-Man (Lon Chaney Jr.) killed Dracula in Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, some Nosferatu homages (the speeding up of the carriages, the use of shadows), of course Dracula with the count so magnificently decant and even hypnotically suggestive, The Bride of Frankenstein with the monster repeating the word "Friend" and saying he wants to live, just really cool tributes, I'd say. Plus, you know, all the cliches in the book to boot: boy with memory loss meets girl with pirate outfit in Transylvania, the works. The highlight of the evening was the moment where the film got unexpectedly quiet during a tense scene and someone called out, "Oh God!" and there was much rejoicing. Close, but coming in second place was the lady next to me talking about how 'damn fine, shit' Kate Beckinsale's brother was. Third place goes to Hugh Jackman, the new Indiana Jones (just of the 19th century, vampires instead of nazis--hey they're all into global domination, neh?).

The bitter comes from being stiffed. Fine, no records were broken, but ugh, I missed all the previews waiting for someone who never came, leaving me with an extra ticket. THAT WILL BE PAID FOR AND NOT BY ME. I haven't gotten stiffed at the May Movie in four years, so I'm a little extra pissed about getting shafted this time, especially as I don't know this person at all. I will send out an e-mail saying, "hey, I warned you. I said, you pay whether you see it or not if you told me to get a ticket for you" and everyone wrote back saying "okay, we get it already, stop harassing us, we'll be there." Well, now I'm justified in my harassment (not that lack of justification would have changed anything). I will get that money back or heads will roll. There are two solutions: I eat it or the girl who didn't show does, and I'm not willing to do the former. She was called, she said she was coming, she didn't show. This is not my problem. I missed my previews and nearly the movie before I gave up on her, and I waited a good twenty minutes (almost thirty after the time i requested people be there), I held up my end of the deal. Ironically, if Lizza hadn't clued me into the fact that, including the offender, I had ordered only 19 tickets and needed 20, I wouldn't have this problem. My sense of honor got me in this mess, and it will take $10.50 from a stranger to undo it. The only other possible solution is to ask for like $0.50 from other people attending, but you know what? That's not their fault either. The person at fault should pay, am I right?

Sigh, that was a buzz-kill, but the movie got me out of my bad mood and missing previews (Chronicles of Riddick!!!! DAMN YOU!), so it was worth it. And I did get to see the only other people loitering for as long as I was finally figure out what they were doing: they stole the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban cardboard cutout when no one was watching. That was pretty cool. Also, paying only $10.50 for tickets with service charge is cool. I'll be heading to that theater again, methinks. Thanks to all who attended, you're truly gracious spirits for putting up with my guff and GROWLness, and for those who hated the movie and I snapped at them, I apologize. I had such a good time, I didn't want to go back to the buzz-kill me. Also, apologies to Carrie for wringing her neck, literally (she did kind of deserve it, though), and to Ronnii for nearly breaking her neck.

LEEEEEFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!! GOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments

[bigscary.livejournal.com]

You KNOW the sequel is going to be modern-day, or at least closer.

[arcane-the-sage.livejournal.com]

Well I enjoyed it....though it might have something to do with the fact I was thinking up a drinking game to match the movie =-þ

So far I have the following

take a shot every time you see...

a) Dracula
b) any of his brides (yes if more than one is on screen you take a shot for each)
c) arrows or a stake (I call this one the liver killer)
d) every time you see a non-flying thing swinging or airborne
e) every time someone uses "werewolf power"
f) every time you see electricity on screen
g) evey time you see a vamp face (showing of fangs) or vamp kiddies
h) when pseudo-science is on screen
i) every time you see clouds, fog, or rain

I'm still working on more =-þ

[viridian.livejournal.com]

How about every time a BIG PLOT POINT is brought up but not explained or addressed or resolved in any way? :P

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

The only problem is that most of these are **too** frequently appearing. You couldn't watch the movie five minutes by any of these rules. Therefore, I propose new ones:

1) Whenever there is a werewolf transformation (the brother a few times, the MAN a few times) or, alternatively, every time the clouds cover then uncover the moon (and/or the sun for the vampires)
2) Indiana Jones moments--anything with the hat or concern for the 'package' (ie the carriage sequence)
3)Awkward Kate/Hugh 'we left the camera rolling for HOW long after they stopped talking!?' moments
4) "Actually, I'm just a Friar..."
5) Whenever Dracula or his brides walk on walls or upside down
6) Every time Van Helsing gets wet (mmm-fucking-hmm!)
7) When Kate Beckinsale cries/gets teary (and have a few misery shots for that ending tear, don't UNDERDO the drinking then, you'll need it)
8) As Michelle said, every plot device used and unexplained (HOW OLD IS THE JACKMAN ANYWAY?)
9) Each time a vampire magically shifts to a new position while the pitiful human freaks out
10) Every time someone gets smacked into things that should kill/knock them unconscious but they get up just fine.
11) Inappropriately funny moments (#1 with a bullet, the wolfman's howl scene...lord that's funny, takes all the tragedy out of it)
12) Aforementioned (in my entry) monster movie tributes (best left to the pros, 'cause you have to have a good eye to spot some of them--I'll make this Ronnii's whenever we group rent Van Helsing or such)
13) In-joke references to roles the actors have played in other movies (Hugh the Wolverine with the werewolf SNIKT and his whirly gigs, Igor was Benny the goon from "The Mummy" plenty of parallels between them, Kate in *yet* another vampire/werewolf movie where she's in love with a werewolf, etc etc...bonus shots to whoever spots the David Wenham as Faramir in-joke!)
14) Each time the brides shift between forms (for the hard-core drinkers, we can keep that one)
15) Each time Van Helsing is asked if he's a murderer or a good guy.

That ought to round out a nice drinking game, some frequent events, some infrequent, to correspond to light and hard drinkers. Whatcha think?

[viridian.livejournal.com]

Faramir "in joke"? Nani?

[kent-allard-jr.livejournal.com]

Sequel?!?

The only sequel I want is to watch Jackman grab the director and beat the shit out of him. (I'd pay to see that!)

Note: The movie was terrible, but I was happy to see the gang again, so it was no loss.

[viridian.livejournal.com]

Nah, Hugh Jackman only DOES bad movies. Kate and Leopold? That other movie with Ashley Judd and the cows? The X-Men movies which were good action movies but not really good movies in general. Um, probably everything else he's ever done? He's a good actor but he seems to only take on fun roles instead of actual good ones. I sort of respect that. :)

[kimpire.livejournal.com]

There's a theater here in Teaneck where seats are $4.00 each. With a $3.50 cost each way to and from NYC, that's $11.00 total including transportation - and you'd anyway be paying $2.00 each way for the subway in NYC itself, so it's as if the movie costs seven bucks. Not bad, eh? It usually only plays movies that around six months old, though -- as in, they fill in that gap between when the movie's in theaters and when it's out on video.


Incidentally, yes, you're right. Whoever it was that didn't show up MUST PAY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!

[slackwench.livejournal.com]

How does one get to Teaneck for $1.50?

[kimpire.livejournal.com]

$3.50, not $1.50. Two dollars for the subway up to the GWB bus station, then take the Spanish Bus (I don't know what it's really called, but it's run by a spanish company, so I call it the Spanish Bus) to any Teaneck stop (Belle Avenue, for example, or Teaneck Road). The Spanish Bus only costs a buck fifty, depending on how far you're going (the last Teaneck stop, which is unfortunately the one I need to take to get home, actually costs two dollars).

[slackwench.livejournal.com]

Since the subway costs $2.00, I subtracted that from the $3.50 to get how much the actual NYC-Teaneck cost was. But you answered my question adequately. Is a new movie there less than $7.50?

[kimpire.livejournal.com]

All seats are $4.00. But like I said, all movies are a few months old.

[slackwench.livejournal.com]

I actually meant in Teaneck in general, since it's cheap to get there.

[kimpire.livejournal.com]

Ah. Nah, Teaneck is just as expensive as the city, unfortunately. I think sometimes matinee showings at the other theaters get reduced to $6.00 each, but that price is as of two years ago (before I went to Israel, which was the last time I checked) so I really don't know what it is now.

[arcane-the-sage.livejournal.com]

Nah, I like mine better. Your rules would have most people not feeling a thing. Mine would get a health buzz going. However you must remember, you moderate drinking games not by changing the rules but by changing the drink concentrations. Most of my rules works well with moderately strong mixed drinks (shot = sip). Some of your rules are rather off balanced to. #9 for example would have one poor person taking about 10 hits at once in some scenes (thought I think it will make my list anyway =-þ ). We should sit down and come up with formal rules for this by the time the DVD comes around.

[arcane-the-sage.livejournal.com]

Nah. Mostly because by the time the person gets hammered, they'd be drinking everytime someone speaks since they won't be thinking straight. Best to keep the rules simple.