Another HI-LARIOUS e-mail from my uncle
Feb. 22nd, 2008 02:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trinityvixenI have this Uncle who just doesn't ever use his brain beyond the power it takes to point and click. He's the one who sent those oh-so-funny e-mails about how women are CUH-RAY-ZEE and the like. Here's this ridiculous gut-tickler he sent recently about the "2008 Democratic National Convention" (look for my commentary in bold):
2008 Democratic
National Convention
Schedule of Events
7:00 pm OPENING FLAG BURNING
SUH-WEET! I hereby pledge to burn any flag with an elephant on it.
7:15 pm PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE U.N.
Oh God, please? Can we? An organization dedicated to helping people across the globe? That tries to stop wars, not start them? I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE!
7:20 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
You and me, Teddy. I got the Jack, you bring the ice. (aka first HILARIOUS reference to his drinking problem; did anyone ever tease Dan Monihan this much? Wasn't he more notoriously drunk all the time?)
7:25 pm NONRELIGIOUS PRAYER AND WORSHIP - Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton ,Louis Faracon, Barrack Obama,
I'm amazed that even two of those names are spelled right. And, sue me, a non-dom prayer session that asks you to find your god if you have one or else rely on your inner, best character to see you through trials and tribulations? FUCK NO! GOD, why would I want to do that!?
7:45 pm CEREMONIAL TREE HUGGING - Darryl Hannah AL GORE
But but but! I just want to hug Al Gore! He's all squishy!
7:55 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
Bring it on, Kennedy. You may have a liver like rock, but I have one that still works! Ha-ha!
8:00 pm HOW I INVENTED THE INTERNET - Al Gore
I'd like to know, honestly. Tell me that that lecture wouldn't be sold out if he hosted it at MSG.
8:15 pm GAY WEDDING PLANNING - Rosie O'Donnell
Is Carson Kressler coming!? More importantly, IS KYAN!?! ::fans self::
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
Okay, wait, is he watering his down or what? Fuuuuck, I'm falling behind...
8:40 pm OUR TROOPS ARE WAR CRIMINALS - John Kerry
Some of 'em, yeah. If we want that "AMERICA IS SO GREAT" party we've been expecting the world to throw us, we better be willing to punish the guilty. Hell, even addressing that they've done anything wrong would be a step up for the current administration.
9.00 pm MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR SADDAM AND HIS SONS - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
A.K.A. This is where you piss on the graves. The ladies have found a way to do it standing up so as to take the glory of that supposedly male advantage away. Maybe if the penis isn't held as all-powerful as it's been since human history began, we'll start treating women like PEOPLE. I'm looking at you, Kennedy. No, not you, Teddy, you're all kinds of all right. I'm talking about the one in the black robe thinks he's GOD. Bader-Ginsberg gonna have to a bitch?
10:00 pm ANSWERING MACHINE ETIQUETTE - Alec Baldwin
This is like the time PETA crashed my graduation. No one invited him. He was looking for the GOP party next door. They love hating on uppity bitches there.
11:00 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
Orrgghhhh...I I I, no, ser-ee-ush-leeeeee, how can he keep dis upppp ::buuuuuuurp::!?
11:05 pm COLLECTION FOR THE OSAMA BIN LADEN KIDNEY TRANSPLANT FUND - Barbara Streisand
We'd like to transplant both his kidneys, actually. There was a typo in the bulletin when we sent it to the printers. Rich guy like him, those kidneys could pass stones the size of Dubya's balls and not feel pain. Then again, that's not very big, is it? (Which has been the whole problem for EIGHT FUCKING YEARS)
11:15 pm FREE THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM GUANTANAMO BAY - Sean Penn
Why would they want to leave? They have more liberties and better benefits than I do these days. And yeah, torture, but hey! Heath care!
11:30 pm OVAL OFFICE AFFAIRS - William Jefferson Clinton
Otherwise known as the "You'll only get a pass if you apologize and you're a Republican" lecture. Don't miss.
11:45 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
...call...9...1...the other number
11:50 pm HOW GEORGE BUSH BROUGHT DOWN THE WORLD TRADE TOWERS - Howard Dean
It's a really short lecture. The answer is "He didn't get the memo about terrorists not liking us so much and the ways we could have dealt with that."
12:15 am TRUTH IN BROADCASTING AWARD - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
They're honoring Bill O'Reilly. Then making out with him, much to the horror of all involved. Fortunately, I'm so drunk, I'd almost find that a turn-on at this point. Whatcha' reckon, Teddy? Want in on some of that?
12:25 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee "Clear!" beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
12:30 am SATELLITE ADDRESS - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
He lives on a satellite now.
12:45 am NOMINATION OF HILARY RODHAM CLINTON PRES - Bill Clinton VP
I'm supposed to be horrified, but I'm technically dead. Alcohol poisoning. Just how gramma went, god bless!
1:00 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
And he pours one on my grave, like the gentleman and good friend he is.
1:05 am CORONATION OF HILARY RODHAM CLINTON
So she can be Queen Bitch. I get why that's funny to Republicans, but it just makes me think of David Bowie. Ain't nothing gonna bother me while I'm thinking me up some David Bowie, tell you what.
1:30 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
He's really gone to pot now that I'm gone. Someone, please, save him before he makes my mistake!
1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hilary home
Ha! That's, like, a reference! To that other girl he killed drunk driving, right? Republicans are nothing if not classy, sensitive people who appreciate the pain relatives and friends of victims of drunk driving go through. Rock on, you righteous assholes.
My actual, shorter response to the e-mail:
Lovely Uncle Don. I suppose the itinerary for the Republican National Convention will take several breaks to be sure that women are routinely stripped of their privacy and freedom; that some random representative of an ethnic minority is personally deported by the nominee-elect; that Christianity is written over the part of the Constitution promising religious freedom; and that the overall theme will be (again) ZOMG TERRORISTS IS EVERYWHERE GIVE US MONEY TO MAKE BOMBS TO BLOWED THEM UP PLZ K THNKS (and yes, I fully believe the grammar will be that poor; they're just Republicans--they know how the PEOPLE speak).
Then my DAD, AWESOMELY, hit back with this:
I am with my daughter on this one, except that she is being too generous in describing the cognitive ability of the average Republican (present mailing list members excepted, other than my brothers). Until the latest news from the NY Times, the Republicans had one half-decent and principled candidate who was going to lose in November anyway. Now they just have losers.
He's wrong about McCain having principles, but otherwise, Daddy TV for the win!
2008 Democratic
National Convention
Schedule of Events
7:00 pm OPENING FLAG BURNING
SUH-WEET! I hereby pledge to burn any flag with an elephant on it.
7:15 pm PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE U.N.
Oh God, please? Can we? An organization dedicated to helping people across the globe? That tries to stop wars, not start them? I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE!
7:20 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
You and me, Teddy. I got the Jack, you bring the ice. (aka first HILARIOUS reference to his drinking problem; did anyone ever tease Dan Monihan this much? Wasn't he more notoriously drunk all the time?)
7:25 pm NONRELIGIOUS PRAYER AND WORSHIP - Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton ,Louis Faracon, Barrack Obama,
I'm amazed that even two of those names are spelled right. And, sue me, a non-dom prayer session that asks you to find your god if you have one or else rely on your inner, best character to see you through trials and tribulations? FUCK NO! GOD, why would I want to do that!?
7:45 pm CEREMONIAL TREE HUGGING - Darryl Hannah AL GORE
But but but! I just want to hug Al Gore! He's all squishy!
7:55 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
Bring it on, Kennedy. You may have a liver like rock, but I have one that still works! Ha-ha!
8:00 pm HOW I INVENTED THE INTERNET - Al Gore
I'd like to know, honestly. Tell me that that lecture wouldn't be sold out if he hosted it at MSG.
8:15 pm GAY WEDDING PLANNING - Rosie O'Donnell
Is Carson Kressler coming!? More importantly, IS KYAN!?! ::fans self::
8:35 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
Okay, wait, is he watering his down or what? Fuuuuck, I'm falling behind...
8:40 pm OUR TROOPS ARE WAR CRIMINALS - John Kerry
Some of 'em, yeah. If we want that "AMERICA IS SO GREAT" party we've been expecting the world to throw us, we better be willing to punish the guilty. Hell, even addressing that they've done anything wrong would be a step up for the current administration.
9.00 pm MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR SADDAM AND HIS SONS - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
A.K.A. This is where you piss on the graves. The ladies have found a way to do it standing up so as to take the glory of that supposedly male advantage away. Maybe if the penis isn't held as all-powerful as it's been since human history began, we'll start treating women like PEOPLE. I'm looking at you, Kennedy. No, not you, Teddy, you're all kinds of all right. I'm talking about the one in the black robe thinks he's GOD. Bader-Ginsberg gonna have to a bitch?
10:00 pm ANSWERING MACHINE ETIQUETTE - Alec Baldwin
This is like the time PETA crashed my graduation. No one invited him. He was looking for the GOP party next door. They love hating on uppity bitches there.
11:00 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
Orrgghhhh...I I I, no, ser-ee-ush-leeeeee, how can he keep dis upppp ::buuuuuuurp::!?
11:05 pm COLLECTION FOR THE OSAMA BIN LADEN KIDNEY TRANSPLANT FUND - Barbara Streisand
We'd like to transplant both his kidneys, actually. There was a typo in the bulletin when we sent it to the printers. Rich guy like him, those kidneys could pass stones the size of Dubya's balls and not feel pain. Then again, that's not very big, is it? (Which has been the whole problem for EIGHT FUCKING YEARS)
11:15 pm FREE THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM GUANTANAMO BAY - Sean Penn
Why would they want to leave? They have more liberties and better benefits than I do these days. And yeah, torture, but hey! Heath care!
11:30 pm OVAL OFFICE AFFAIRS - William Jefferson Clinton
Otherwise known as the "You'll only get a pass if you apologize and you're a Republican" lecture. Don't miss.
11:45 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
...call...9...1...the other number
11:50 pm HOW GEORGE BUSH BROUGHT DOWN THE WORLD TRADE TOWERS - Howard Dean
It's a really short lecture. The answer is "He didn't get the memo about terrorists not liking us so much and the ways we could have dealt with that."
12:15 am TRUTH IN BROADCASTING AWARD - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
They're honoring Bill O'Reilly. Then making out with him, much to the horror of all involved. Fortunately, I'm so drunk, I'd almost find that a turn-on at this point. Whatcha' reckon, Teddy? Want in on some of that?
12:25 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
beep-beep, beep-beep, beep-beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee "Clear!" beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
12:30 am SATELLITE ADDRESS - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
He lives on a satellite now.
12:45 am NOMINATION OF HILARY RODHAM CLINTON PRES - Bill Clinton VP
I'm supposed to be horrified, but I'm technically dead. Alcohol poisoning. Just how gramma went, god bless!
1:00 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
And he pours one on my grave, like the gentleman and good friend he is.
1:05 am CORONATION OF HILARY RODHAM CLINTON
So she can be Queen Bitch. I get why that's funny to Republicans, but it just makes me think of David Bowie. Ain't nothing gonna bother me while I'm thinking me up some David Bowie, tell you what.
1:30 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST
He's really gone to pot now that I'm gone. Someone, please, save him before he makes my mistake!
1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hilary home
Ha! That's, like, a reference! To that other girl he killed drunk driving, right? Republicans are nothing if not classy, sensitive people who appreciate the pain relatives and friends of victims of drunk driving go through. Rock on, you righteous assholes.
My actual, shorter response to the e-mail:
Lovely Uncle Don. I suppose the itinerary for the Republican National Convention will take several breaks to be sure that women are routinely stripped of their privacy and freedom; that some random representative of an ethnic minority is personally deported by the nominee-elect; that Christianity is written over the part of the Constitution promising religious freedom; and that the overall theme will be (again) ZOMG TERRORISTS IS EVERYWHERE GIVE US MONEY TO MAKE BOMBS TO BLOWED THEM UP PLZ K THNKS (and yes, I fully believe the grammar will be that poor; they're just Republicans--they know how the PEOPLE speak).
Then my DAD, AWESOMELY, hit back with this:
I am with my daughter on this one, except that she is being too generous in describing the cognitive ability of the average Republican (present mailing list members excepted, other than my brothers). Until the latest news from the NY Times, the Republicans had one half-decent and principled candidate who was going to lose in November anyway. Now they just have losers.
He's wrong about McCain having principles, but otherwise, Daddy TV for the win!
