Oh no, that's twice this week...
Jun. 10th, 2005 05:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trinityvixenI couldn't help it. I swear, I swear I didn't mean to be as mean...but this one deserves it, too, I swear on my mother's eyes (and I should be careful with those, they're not in rough-tumble condition for me to toss around lightly).
The Offending Text
My Defensive (for sanity's sake and to spare the rest of you all):
I hope that this story is a joke.
Your blatant lack of research, when writing about something as well known as the US Navy SEALs, shows from start to finish. You have an admiral talking to a captain—no, not talking, ‘reporting’ which would never happen because subordinates report, and, if you check out the military hierarchy for the Navy online, you’ll see that an admiral is the highest rank you can have. No way would *he* report to a mere captain. Maybe it was a word choice error, but it seems more likely that it’s part and parcel with a flagrant disregard for the easily discovered system of the US Navy. In ten seconds, I had most of my questions about ranks and the SEALs answered. It speaks poorly of you, the author, that you couldn’t be bothered to Google this before you posted your story.
Continuing on the theme here, admirals are not required to be present to bestow all promotions; upon joining the SEALs, you take on a specialty, what they call a ‘rate’ that changes your distinction (hence Christian would not be a captain or commander, he’d be a machinist’s aide or something); a sergeant is in the ARMY, the equivalent NAVAL position is the petty officer, second class; SEALs go through rigorous training, both physical and mental, and a psycho like Christian who sprays bullets into the dark would have been weeded out of the military, let alone the SEAL program a long time ago because he’s a danger to himself and the other men. Oh, and one more thing? YOU DO NOT “HAND SALUTE” NOR DO YOU PUT THOSE WORDS INTO QUOTATION MARKS WHEN YOU USE IT (the only reason to put it in quotes as I do is because I’m quoting your story). ‘Hand salute’ is redundant; a salute, unless otherwise specified, is a well-known gesture made with the hand to superior officers in the military.
Barring the ridiculous ignorance of simple military setup, ground rules, discipline, methods, regimen, standards, etc etc etc, this story still lacks a dramatic, cohesive, and COHERENT narrative. Christian is all over the place with his story, flashbacking unexpectedly, angsting to himself for reasons not understood, talking to himself in language so absurdly unnatural as to put the reader right out of the story. When Christian talks about being a SEAL as if he’s a fifteen-year-old boy playing Navy SEALS Socom, he’s not at all a believable soldier.
As for the ‘plot,’ it’s inconsistent. Admiral Jones tells Christian that the terrorists aren’t human then scoffs at Christian when he says they’re vampires. If Jones *knows* the terrorists aren’t human and accepts that, why does he ignore an explanation from a man he’s trusted to eliminate them? Christian’s back story is wangst; he’s a Marty Sue, with his poor dead parents and, of course, close friendship with canon characters from the Blade films. I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark here and guess that he is destined to fall in love with one of the Nightstalkers you mention him being sooooooo close to. If you’re a male writer, I’m guessing it’s Jessica Biel, excuse me, Abby Whistler; if you’re a woman, I’m gonna say it’s Hannibal King. Not to generalize, but that’s usually who the Sues, like Christina, go for. One for the honey, two for the slash.
I might as well also point out that Christian’s last name is the same as the name of Ron Perlman’s character in Blade II, Reinhardt. Fans might know that, so, unless that’s intentional, and I’m doubting it is, change it. Also, shame on you for Admiral Darius “Star” Jones. You’ve clearly, without realizing, worked in the name of a real person (Starr Jones, TV personality) that’s not only distracting, it’s ludicrous when you match her against a high-ranking military official (she’s a hefty woman, and, sad as it is, the military is mostly male and definitely more trim than she). Worse, you gave him the laughable nickname “DarStar” which if you insist on preserving, I will insist that you remove the quotes from it as well. The reason this nickname is unacceptable is two-fold. One, subordinates may nickname their admirals, but almost NONE of them are so cozy with the brass they have the stones to use it to their face. Two, “DarStar” sounds far too close to ‘Daystar,’ the name of the virus used to kill vampires in Blade: Trinity. You’ve seen the film, I know, since you intend to borrow its characters. There is no excuse for this lapse.
Unless you clean up this chapter considerably and rework Christian’s narration into a concise, straight-forward presentation, there’s not much to salvage. You have no characters worth reading about yet, the story is a mess of poor clichés, terribly misguided action, and your bad guy makes no sense. You’ve posited that Fangora (this name is silly, I would suggest changing it, too) is ‘the most legendary vampire of all time’ in your summary. I hate to break it to you, but *Dracula* is and always will be the most legendary vampires of all time. The vampire myth is most famously associated with Dracula’s human inspiration, Vlad Dracule (or Draculea, I’m not sure), and the novel written by Bram Stoker. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? It’s called “Dracula.” There is no other vampire more iconic, more legendary than Dracula, and he’s been offed in the Blade universe (Drake? Remember him? That was Dracula with another name, and he’s dead, dead, dead). Good luck trying to make anyone think of Fangora first when you drop the word ‘vampire’ into conversation.
I’m sorry if this seems harsh to you. However, by posting as you did, you assumed the risk of getting a con-crit, and now you have. Also, when you beg for reviews, it makes you seem attention-starved and pathetic, not a good impression to leave your readers even when what you’ve written is bound to be immortally preserved in the hallowed halls of literature, let alone for an abysmal, half-cocked, half-assed posting on fanfic.net In the future, sell your story with a better summary, and people will be *interested* in it and read it without you holding out your empty bowl and begging for their loose pity.
The Offending Text
My Defensive (for sanity's sake and to spare the rest of you all):
I hope that this story is a joke.
Your blatant lack of research, when writing about something as well known as the US Navy SEALs, shows from start to finish. You have an admiral talking to a captain—no, not talking, ‘reporting’ which would never happen because subordinates report, and, if you check out the military hierarchy for the Navy online, you’ll see that an admiral is the highest rank you can have. No way would *he* report to a mere captain. Maybe it was a word choice error, but it seems more likely that it’s part and parcel with a flagrant disregard for the easily discovered system of the US Navy. In ten seconds, I had most of my questions about ranks and the SEALs answered. It speaks poorly of you, the author, that you couldn’t be bothered to Google this before you posted your story.
Continuing on the theme here, admirals are not required to be present to bestow all promotions; upon joining the SEALs, you take on a specialty, what they call a ‘rate’ that changes your distinction (hence Christian would not be a captain or commander, he’d be a machinist’s aide or something); a sergeant is in the ARMY, the equivalent NAVAL position is the petty officer, second class; SEALs go through rigorous training, both physical and mental, and a psycho like Christian who sprays bullets into the dark would have been weeded out of the military, let alone the SEAL program a long time ago because he’s a danger to himself and the other men. Oh, and one more thing? YOU DO NOT “HAND SALUTE” NOR DO YOU PUT THOSE WORDS INTO QUOTATION MARKS WHEN YOU USE IT (the only reason to put it in quotes as I do is because I’m quoting your story). ‘Hand salute’ is redundant; a salute, unless otherwise specified, is a well-known gesture made with the hand to superior officers in the military.
Barring the ridiculous ignorance of simple military setup, ground rules, discipline, methods, regimen, standards, etc etc etc, this story still lacks a dramatic, cohesive, and COHERENT narrative. Christian is all over the place with his story, flashbacking unexpectedly, angsting to himself for reasons not understood, talking to himself in language so absurdly unnatural as to put the reader right out of the story. When Christian talks about being a SEAL as if he’s a fifteen-year-old boy playing Navy SEALS Socom, he’s not at all a believable soldier.
As for the ‘plot,’ it’s inconsistent. Admiral Jones tells Christian that the terrorists aren’t human then scoffs at Christian when he says they’re vampires. If Jones *knows* the terrorists aren’t human and accepts that, why does he ignore an explanation from a man he’s trusted to eliminate them? Christian’s back story is wangst; he’s a Marty Sue, with his poor dead parents and, of course, close friendship with canon characters from the Blade films. I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark here and guess that he is destined to fall in love with one of the Nightstalkers you mention him being sooooooo close to. If you’re a male writer, I’m guessing it’s Jessica Biel, excuse me, Abby Whistler; if you’re a woman, I’m gonna say it’s Hannibal King. Not to generalize, but that’s usually who the Sues, like Christina, go for. One for the honey, two for the slash.
I might as well also point out that Christian’s last name is the same as the name of Ron Perlman’s character in Blade II, Reinhardt. Fans might know that, so, unless that’s intentional, and I’m doubting it is, change it. Also, shame on you for Admiral Darius “Star” Jones. You’ve clearly, without realizing, worked in the name of a real person (Starr Jones, TV personality) that’s not only distracting, it’s ludicrous when you match her against a high-ranking military official (she’s a hefty woman, and, sad as it is, the military is mostly male and definitely more trim than she). Worse, you gave him the laughable nickname “DarStar” which if you insist on preserving, I will insist that you remove the quotes from it as well. The reason this nickname is unacceptable is two-fold. One, subordinates may nickname their admirals, but almost NONE of them are so cozy with the brass they have the stones to use it to their face. Two, “DarStar” sounds far too close to ‘Daystar,’ the name of the virus used to kill vampires in Blade: Trinity. You’ve seen the film, I know, since you intend to borrow its characters. There is no excuse for this lapse.
Unless you clean up this chapter considerably and rework Christian’s narration into a concise, straight-forward presentation, there’s not much to salvage. You have no characters worth reading about yet, the story is a mess of poor clichés, terribly misguided action, and your bad guy makes no sense. You’ve posited that Fangora (this name is silly, I would suggest changing it, too) is ‘the most legendary vampire of all time’ in your summary. I hate to break it to you, but *Dracula* is and always will be the most legendary vampires of all time. The vampire myth is most famously associated with Dracula’s human inspiration, Vlad Dracule (or Draculea, I’m not sure), and the novel written by Bram Stoker. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? It’s called “Dracula.” There is no other vampire more iconic, more legendary than Dracula, and he’s been offed in the Blade universe (Drake? Remember him? That was Dracula with another name, and he’s dead, dead, dead). Good luck trying to make anyone think of Fangora first when you drop the word ‘vampire’ into conversation.
I’m sorry if this seems harsh to you. However, by posting as you did, you assumed the risk of getting a con-crit, and now you have. Also, when you beg for reviews, it makes you seem attention-starved and pathetic, not a good impression to leave your readers even when what you’ve written is bound to be immortally preserved in the hallowed halls of literature, let alone for an abysmal, half-cocked, half-assed posting on fanfic.net In the future, sell your story with a better summary, and people will be *interested* in it and read it without you holding out your empty bowl and begging for their loose pity.
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no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 09:41 pm (UTC)Seriously, fights like this make me feel better about myself, didn't you know that? It's all about being petty!
That and, well, they deserve it.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-12 01:11 am (UTC)They do deserve it. ^^
omg you should check out
^______^