Dear God, what have I done?

So, our first piece of apartment mail was delivered yesterday. It's not our lease, which I need to find out about soon, nor was it any of the magazines or bills I had diverted to the new location.

It was my Netflix'd DVD of Bloodrayne.

This is the set-up for a joke, one of those "How [fill in derogatory adjective] was it?" hee-haw type jokes. How bad was it?

( Let's just say this movie is one long 'Mullet punch!' )

Basically, the magically talented German elf Uwe Boll managed to take a plotless video game and make it even plotlessier. I wouldn't argue that Bloodrayne the game is driven by anything but a hot Dhampir chick in tight vinyl, but I actually prefer the scattershot nonstory of an action videogame to what Boll constructed out of it. But, then again, the same thing was true of House of the Dead--I preferred the bad voice acting and the ancient graphics and beating the fucking Wizard OMG what the F? he was so difficult to beat to that movie.

Still, why move Rayne backwards in time to some indeterminate middle ages-y type land? What's wrong, or shall I say 'less ridiculous' (YAAAAAAY!!!!), about having it set in the time frame of the first game and have Rayne fighting evil zombie Creoles and Nazis? I mean, at least you can get behind her slaughtering Nazis, right? I bet that's what the development team thought when they made the game:

Developer 1: Well, we have the rendering done for this hot-as-fuck character. Now what?
Developer 2: I suppose she needs, like, enemies to kill or some shit. Then we can show off her crotch when she spin kicks them to death.
Developer 1: Yeah, I saw that spin kick. That's hot.
Developer 2: Ahem, enemies?
Developer 1: She doesn't even split her pants....say what? Oh, well, just make them really evil. Hot chicks look even hotter fighting really bad guys. Like you ever see those ads where muscle chicks fire guns at Communists? Fucking brilliant, man.
Developer 2: ...Uh, Communists aren't the bad guys any more. At least, I think China will have something to say if we start gunning them down.
Developer 1: Is China important?
Developer 2: Their sweatshop labor keeps the prices of our game boxes low.
Developer 1: Damn. Okay, who did we fight before the Communists?
Developer 2: Well, that's a long and complicated story, but the short version is: Nazis.
Developer 1: Any of them left around to complain?
Developer 2: Not so's anyone would care.
Developer 1: Nazis! Brilliant! I fucking love--er, hate those guys! Make it happen.
Developer 2: And the half-vampire chick hates the Third Reich because...?
Developer 1: ...is that important?
Developer 2: Not especially, no. Everyone hates the Nazis. You don't really need a reason.
Developer 1: Damn, we've stumbled on the Holy Grail of pointless game villainy! We can kill them and nobody cares! And we don't need a reason to kill them either!
Developer 2: We'll write some storyboards for the why, but we won't have to explain it. If people buy it, they can find out why in the sequel.
Developer 1: Totally. This chick is too hot for a single game.
Developer 2: Agreed. We have no souls, you know that?
Developer 1: Hey, I'm not complaining.
Developer 2: Yeah, me neither.