No, really, that show was made of fail. I've seen better YouTube videos than those montages, and they sure would've cost a hell of a lot less to throw up there. Likewise, if you're going to remix dissonant songs, find someone who isn't deaf to do your arrangement. And way to shove all the "ethnic" people you possibly could into that part so the white people could walk off with the rest of the awards.
The following people are banned from ever making an appearance on the Oscars again, in order of how much I loathe them: Seth Rogen, Jack Black, Bill Maher, and Ben Stiller. Why can't we just rip Jack Black's tongue out? Does he really contribute all that much? (The fake trailer of his farting family movie in Tropic Thunder is about as close to a real statement about his popularity as I've seen.) If Bill Maher is so fucking self-satisfied, he should get a gig teaching guys how to give themselves blow jobs. Seth Rogen: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO FUCKING FAMOUS? (James Franco, please continue to do non-Seth Rogen movies in the future.) Daniel Craig and Twilight-boy are allowed to come back when they stop taking this shit so fucking seriously and learn how to goddamned read. Does no one get any hint of what the fuck they're going to say before they get on stage? Do they really have to be teleprompter dependent? Let them memorize before they get on, then have the script there if they need it. That way, maybe the glittery vamp-twit could get the part about where he was supposed to be telling a joke (thus ruining that totally rad setup joke of Ben Stiller forgetting to tell his joke) and Daniel Craig's dyslexia wouldn't be so embarrassingly obvious.
The following people should just be on all the time: Hugh Jackman, Will Smith, and Tina Fey. Let them host from here on out. Will Smith can handle the singing, Tina Fey can give out the popular awards, and Hugh Jackman can give out the little awards. That way, even if they cut you off after you say "Thanks!" and never show a stitch of the movie you died to make, at least Hugh Jackman will have touched you. You can die happy.
Every other award should go Mickey Rourke from now on. (Dear god, somebody please love him? He needs help.) If Mickey Rourke can't hold any more statuettes, let Meryl Streep carry the rest as she steps over the bodies of her enemies and pierces their eyeholes with her heels. If she so deems it proper, she can give the rest to Robert Downey Jr. and Johnny Depp. They can chuck the awards at the heads of the Academy for a) authorizing this fuckshit nightmare, and b) never giving either of them the respect they deserve. The entire team at Pixar will be welcome to help.
Oscars, how are you made of such resplendent fail?
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