(no subject)
Jul. 10th, 2006 04:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trinityvixenDo you know who is awesome? ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
i_am_rachiv. I don't know if she really wants the publicity, but I was inspired by her rantings to make some of my own. Beware, the subject matter is not for the squeamish (aka male).
I plan on surviving--somehow--the next hour and a half at work then returning home to curl into a ball of fierce, unstoppable death-directed-inwards pain.
What does a uterus do for me anyway? Providing that I know myself better than all the people who tell me I'll change my mind about having kids do, I will never use the damn thing except to get cancer. So the major selling point of the uterus? Misses me completely. I am not its demographic, not its target-of-sale.
Besides which, God sold me a lemon. My uterus, which does nothing for me, likes to put me in as much pain as possible for roughly two weeks of the year in addition to the three cumulative months of bleeding (do the math: ~30 days to a menses and, I shit you not, at least five days of bleeding over twelve months makes two to three months of the year).
For two weeks in a year, one day a month, my uterus merrily hurls itself back and forth against my other, more important, more useful organs so it can tear its own skin off. Sorta an internal face-lift for the old jalopy. Doesn't change the fact that she still runs irregular. And in the mean time, my spine resents being stiff and hammered in the lower lumbar region when it already has to contend with those oversized consequences of puberty giving it aches and pains at the top. Fucking hell, men want the breasts and the babies preserved so damn much? They can have them.
That's why I'm getting rid of my uterus. I'll sell it on e-Bay. Fibrosis, endometrial scarring, or histerectomy complicating your dreams of conceiving little blessings? I have the uterus you need. Never once hosted demon spawn, even has miraculously escaped the "unnatural" cycling of artificial hormones, and ne'er an IUD has penetrated it. I'll want a good price, but I'm flexible because I know it has its flaws. You'll have to resign yourself to three months of ruined underwear and poking tampons at it, and there are those twelve pesky days where you'd sooner volunteer yourself to be impregnated with an alien baby in the chest before you'd take on the pain it will give you in the abdomen, but but but! I guarantee this sucker'll pump out babies. I come from hardy stock. Mother had five kids. Dad's one of seven. Genetics on both sides favor this uterus.
I'd prefer a cashier's check.
Nah, still not quite as good asi_am_rachiv. Despite the crippling pain, I am not quite as sarcastically mean and wonderful. Fucking hell man. Whoever "designed" the uterus gives lie to that whole "intelligent" design bullshit.
i_am_rachiv. I don't know if she really wants the publicity, but I was inspired by her rantings to make some of my own. Beware, the subject matter is not for the squeamish (aka male).I plan on surviving--somehow--the next hour and a half at work then returning home to curl into a ball of fierce, unstoppable death-directed-inwards pain.
What does a uterus do for me anyway? Providing that I know myself better than all the people who tell me I'll change my mind about having kids do, I will never use the damn thing except to get cancer. So the major selling point of the uterus? Misses me completely. I am not its demographic, not its target-of-sale.
Besides which, God sold me a lemon. My uterus, which does nothing for me, likes to put me in as much pain as possible for roughly two weeks of the year in addition to the three cumulative months of bleeding (do the math: ~30 days to a menses and, I shit you not, at least five days of bleeding over twelve months makes two to three months of the year).
For two weeks in a year, one day a month, my uterus merrily hurls itself back and forth against my other, more important, more useful organs so it can tear its own skin off. Sorta an internal face-lift for the old jalopy. Doesn't change the fact that she still runs irregular. And in the mean time, my spine resents being stiff and hammered in the lower lumbar region when it already has to contend with those oversized consequences of puberty giving it aches and pains at the top. Fucking hell, men want the breasts and the babies preserved so damn much? They can have them.
That's why I'm getting rid of my uterus. I'll sell it on e-Bay. Fibrosis, endometrial scarring, or histerectomy complicating your dreams of conceiving little blessings? I have the uterus you need. Never once hosted demon spawn, even has miraculously escaped the "unnatural" cycling of artificial hormones, and ne'er an IUD has penetrated it. I'll want a good price, but I'm flexible because I know it has its flaws. You'll have to resign yourself to three months of ruined underwear and poking tampons at it, and there are those twelve pesky days where you'd sooner volunteer yourself to be impregnated with an alien baby in the chest before you'd take on the pain it will give you in the abdomen, but but but! I guarantee this sucker'll pump out babies. I come from hardy stock. Mother had five kids. Dad's one of seven. Genetics on both sides favor this uterus.
I'd prefer a cashier's check.
Nah, still not quite as good as
i_am_rachiv. Despite the crippling pain, I am not quite as sarcastically mean and wonderful. Fucking hell man. Whoever "designed" the uterus gives lie to that whole "intelligent" design bullshit.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-07-10 09:31 pm (UTC)I did some calculations and discovered I have gained back 1 year and 2 months of my life otherwise spent curled on the floor in immobilizing pain since I went on the pill when I was 16. I shit you not. I still have pain, but only need 1 advil, and sometimes nothing. NOTHING. Can it be true?
Short of a hysterectomy, that may be an option for you.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-10 09:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 03:49 pm (UTC)Just do it. It's really not all that bad. Okay, it sucks, but then it's over and you don't have to go back for another year.
JUST DO IT. I only can take people kvetching about their immobilizing cramps for so long before I feel like beating over the head with various large objects and repeatedly yelling "THERE IS A SOLUTION TO THIS, STOP BEING LAZY AND/OR FRAIDYCAT."
no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 03:51 pm (UTC)The only negative that some people have posed to me about being on the pill instead of painkillers is that it might compromise my ability to conceive later. As you've stated, this isn't an issue. So go! Trick your body into thinking it's knocked up! ONE OF US!
no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 03:59 pm (UTC)On the other hand, there's my friend who just went for the first time and had a crap experience that basically resulted in her being told "You're not at risk with your behavior, you're probably fine" when the doctor couldn't get an unlubricated clamp in without hurting her. Yes, that's a stupid doctor (her prescription for my friend was that she ought to masturbate more so she'd be more flexible or something, and no, I'm not joking), but still, ayieee.
I know, I'm losing my sympathy coupons with how much I bitch. And advil is usually enough for me. I don't get headaches nearly so often any more, so I'm not worried about abuse. The first day there's a little abuse, but that's it. After that, I'm pretty good.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 03:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 03:45 am (UTC)Getting surgery is a little extreme, but it soudns lovely. I just love to complain, really. Makes it less pain-y.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 05:29 am (UTC)Times, like, a million.
I'm 100% CERTAIN I want to adopt, and mine has caused me more issues than I can count.
Fucking female biology.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 05:49 am (UTC)I plan on turning myself into a mutant anyway and reproducing by fission so that many of me can take over the world. Like many Agents Smith, only less cool.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 06:26 am (UTC)Well, theres an interesting solution to birth control. Uteri removal for all but designated breeders...
no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 02:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 02:06 pm (UTC)hmm...
no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 02:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 06:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 02:04 pm (UTC)I plan on being dead before I'm forty, so really, having children would be cruel, since they would be motherless.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 07:41 am (UTC)Whatever-- when my 'livejournal turned novel' sells big, no one will believe I lifted this entry from you! Ha.
And, btw darlin'- I'm not interested in your uterus-- but I'll buy one of your good and bad eggs... I'd just like to see how those fuckers would turn out.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 02:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 03:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 03:16 pm (UTC)The problem with most of those ads were the people behind them insisting on certain minimum GPA requirements (which I more often than not met) and certain physical descriptive requirements (which I rarely did). They seemed to think it was perfectly reasonable to insist upon a 5' 8" woman to be both blonde naturally and athletic to a degree of weight they preferred, and still manage to pull down a 3.5. Talk about unrealistic expectation...
no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 07:44 am (UTC)And, for Christ's Lord!!! SEE A GYNO!!!
no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 02:08 pm (UTC)PLus, so long as you're dateless and not engaging in sex actively, you're pretty much fine. My spurning of dating works in my favor yet again!
no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 05:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-11 06:00 pm (UTC)Hell, let's just open the blark stock market organ exchange right now. I bet I can find someone to donate some kidneys...