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Jul. 14th, 2006 11:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trinityvixenI cannot be the only one to find this both sad and repulsive, can I?
I know that we do a lot of manipulation to get other people to do what we want--"Hey, I'm your friend, please come with me to the party so I'm not alone" etc--but this doesn't even pretend that the person being jumped through hoops (literally) is a person. The woman trains her husband like professional trainers train animals and sees nothing wrong with it.
Personally, I find it abhorrent, and I would imagine most of my guy friends would, too. There's sexism being reinforced on both sides here, and it's not remedied by the husband turning it around on the wife at the end. She assumes he's a dumb animal that she can manipulate to performing tricks, he stops listening to her when she's in pain. That's a fantastic relationship. Granted, this is as much satire as serious, but there's a hint of "Life is so much better this way!" that's honestly what the author thinks, and you call tell that.
How about, instead of wife* having to nag husband,* husband took the initiative and picked up laundry without having to be rewarded? Newsflash, boys and girls: you're not going to be rewarded for doing chores. You have to do them. You made those dishes in the sink? Guess what? You get to clean them. You will not be thanked for doing what was your job to begin with, nor is it necessary for your S.O. or roommate or other suffering cohabitator to do so just so you feel accomplished. This whole "tall poppy" syndrome has gotten way out of hand.
And, wifey, how about you explain that simple system of "You made it, you clean it up" to husband instead of nagging? Try not to be so sanctimoniouos, but do mention that most people, yourself included, pick up their own messes on the impetus of their own conscience nattering at them to do so. Then leave it at that? Tolerate shirts on the floor--or better, walk all over them, heedless of what might happen to a favorite item of clothing--so that he catches on that not having any clean clothes or having his clothes being trampled might easily be prevented by picking them up. It's a tad passive aggressive, perhaps, but you're no longer responsible once you've explained once how the "you break it, you fix it" system of life works.
*Note: I don't pretend that these gender stereotypes--frustrated neat-freak wife and ignorant lazy-slob husband are the only ones. It frequently goes the other way, and I can think of a few gal friends who are just as guilty of "I'll get to it later" syndrome as any of my guy friends. Yes, myself included. For the sake of the article's premise, I kept the gender roles fixed, though they by no means are in real life.
I know that we do a lot of manipulation to get other people to do what we want--"Hey, I'm your friend, please come with me to the party so I'm not alone" etc--but this doesn't even pretend that the person being jumped through hoops (literally) is a person. The woman trains her husband like professional trainers train animals and sees nothing wrong with it.
Personally, I find it abhorrent, and I would imagine most of my guy friends would, too. There's sexism being reinforced on both sides here, and it's not remedied by the husband turning it around on the wife at the end. She assumes he's a dumb animal that she can manipulate to performing tricks, he stops listening to her when she's in pain. That's a fantastic relationship. Granted, this is as much satire as serious, but there's a hint of "Life is so much better this way!" that's honestly what the author thinks, and you call tell that.
How about, instead of wife* having to nag husband,* husband took the initiative and picked up laundry without having to be rewarded? Newsflash, boys and girls: you're not going to be rewarded for doing chores. You have to do them. You made those dishes in the sink? Guess what? You get to clean them. You will not be thanked for doing what was your job to begin with, nor is it necessary for your S.O. or roommate or other suffering cohabitator to do so just so you feel accomplished. This whole "tall poppy" syndrome has gotten way out of hand.
And, wifey, how about you explain that simple system of "You made it, you clean it up" to husband instead of nagging? Try not to be so sanctimoniouos, but do mention that most people, yourself included, pick up their own messes on the impetus of their own conscience nattering at them to do so. Then leave it at that? Tolerate shirts on the floor--or better, walk all over them, heedless of what might happen to a favorite item of clothing--so that he catches on that not having any clean clothes or having his clothes being trampled might easily be prevented by picking them up. It's a tad passive aggressive, perhaps, but you're no longer responsible once you've explained once how the "you break it, you fix it" system of life works.
*Note: I don't pretend that these gender stereotypes--frustrated neat-freak wife and ignorant lazy-slob husband are the only ones. It frequently goes the other way, and I can think of a few gal friends who are just as guilty of "I'll get to it later" syndrome as any of my guy friends. Yes, myself included. For the sake of the article's premise, I kept the gender roles fixed, though they by no means are in real life.
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Date: 2006-07-14 05:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-14 07:12 pm (UTC)But we still do thing that drive the other nuts. I tend to poke whatever's on the stove. Over. And over. And over. No patience. I have to be shooed away before I'll just let the damn thing cook. And I leave my stuff in piles. I leave it on the table, and the chair and the bed and the counter and next to the coat rack. And I hate stuff that requires confrontations - returning moldy berries to the supermarket or making the FedEx guy change the delivery address or getting the phone fixed. I'll avoid doing them until yelled at or someone else does them for me. Chuckro's got his own bad habits.
Now, I don't do these things because I don't love Chuckro and we don't communicate well. And just because he loves me doesn't mean that he doesn't get driven up the wall when he has to go back to the supermarket to exchange produce, and comes home to find my stuff all over the bed. And I know this, and he knows I know this. I don't do this stuff to bug him. But I also don't really do it conciously. I don't particularly care on my own whether I still do it. If I could magically wave my hands and just stop, I'd do that so I wouldn't frustrate him anymore. And nagging me...makes me feel nagged. I'll do it, but I'll be slightly annoyed, and I won't remember the next time.
Chuckro's much less responsive to and more resentful of nagging than I am. So you can see how this could be problematic.
And we've been together for years, living together for over a year. We have a very healthy relationship with great communication and a lot of love. But that doesn't stop me from periodically wanting to smack the boy upside the head.
My mother, by the way, read the article and is now wondering if some of these things would work on my father. They've been happily married for almost 27 years. They're best friends and clearly adore each other. But a way to reinforce behavior that makes you happy without arguing is a very useful thing to have.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-14 07:12 pm (UTC)That was me. Again.