Fantastic Four: Ris

[trinityvixen]

That's what my ticket said, anyway.

A short, non-spoilery reactions to Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, a sampler:
darkling1: If I never see another superhero dance, it'll be too soon.

Stan Lee cameos as...Stan Lee!
darkling1: These are getting more and more shameless.

The military decides it's time for their union coffee break, leaving a prison behind in a room by himself. With no guards or cameras in the room.
Me: From the crack team that brought you the guards on Prison Break...

ivy03: (thirty minutes into the movie) Does Dr. Doom ever say anything that's NOT a cliche for a villain?
Me: (An hour and fifteen minutes into the movie) No.

Credits roll, including one for Jessica Alba's hairstylist
Me: You are so fired.

Silly fun time had by all for the most part. Largest gripes were over the deliberate fugli-fication of the hot people. Why mess with a good thing, I ask you? I think Jessica Alba broke up with her makeup person or something because somebody went out of their way to make her look as ugly as possible AT ALL TIMES (save one, when she was "dowdy" and "bookish" because she was wearing a sweater and glasses; she never looked better through the whole movie). You take someone like JESSICA ALBA, who is drop-dead gorgeous and you do that to her? The only excuse for that is like if you're going the Charlize Theron route and trying to ugly her up so she'll win an Oscar. I got news for you: ain't nobody winning no Oscars for Rise of the Silver Surfer. Not even the effects guys.

I mean look at some of these stills--the awful wedding get-up, the limp barbie-doll hair (so fired, guy), THE AWFULEST BLUE CONTACTS SINCE EVER ORLANDO PONCIED AN ELF!!! (Hers are worse for their unnecessariness--she didn't have them in the first movie--and for the fact they look like some one drew on real contacts with crayons instead of buying proper color ones. Also, wtf that shirt?) Why do they hate Jessica Alba? It's because she can't act, isn't it?

And it's not like the rest of them got off easy. Poor Ioan Gruffudd. Reed Richards' hot granddaddy gray streaks were totally aborted. They seemed to prefer shaving the sides of his head better. This is a total travesty because those gray streaks are totally hot in the first film, if even a little too underdone then, and nothing satisfies the ol' Elektra Complex like a man with some attractively groomed gray. Sigh.

(Wow, that turned into a rant! What a surprise!) And I fixed the links. Stupid Superherohype...

At least we got treated to a nice scene where Johnny Storm had his shirt off again for little to no reason. I think that if that were the running motif for as many of these as they make, I could have no complaints (none that would be listened to, anyway). I mean the benefits of Chris Evans running around half naked are not to be discounted when one (erm, a female one) is watching a movie.

Note: I did try to find a picture that made him with his shirt off where he didn't look like a gay escort pin-up, but there doesn't seem to be one. I wonder...

Comments

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

OK, your links? They suck. In the most-won't-open-or-go-someplace-that's-randomly-talking-about-shoes manner of sucking.

But totally agree with everything else.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Links suck. Will remedy. Because they really add to the effectiveness of my ranting.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

The first Jessica Alba link still not working. Looks like that site automatically redirects to the home page.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

I fixed, I fixed. It took three hundred times too long, but at last my point is made!

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

It still redirects, I'm telling you. You have to type in the link for it to open.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

What in the hell are you talking about? It redirects where to? All of them are now at photobucket and working fine for me? Which one specifically? Because all of them open for me. I'll have to check again when I get home.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

It's your JESSICA ALBA link. It redirects to www.kissmestace.com.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Not for me it doesn't. I have no problems going right to the picture. I say this is a witch hunt brought on by your persnickety browser.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

I redact my previous statement and issue forth an apology. Apparently it DOES only work on my work computer. Sorry about that.

[viridian.livejournal.com]

I need to own those glasses that Jessica is wearing. Very cute, and I need new ones anyway.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Indeed, they are very cute.

Me too!

[(Anonymous)]

I have been looking all over the net and have seen this question asked several times, but no answer. This movie is so heavy with the product placement, you'd think they would have an optical sponsor. ;-)