Lost City Raiders

[trinityvixen]

Every so often, one has to throw oneself on the grenade of a Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie. It's best to do this in company, FYI.

Tonight's movie was Lost City Raiders, a global warming/religious conspiracy fable (think Waterworld versus The Da Vinci Code) starring Boone, a porn star, and That Guy. Oh, and a spear that is not phallic at all--in fact, it's even less phallic because the people fighting over it are 90% Catholic and 100% dudes.

italics = actual movie dialogue
[ -- ] = actual movie action

9:05 -- MUTANT SHARKS

9:09 -- wellgull: "His accent just migrated about 300 degrees east."

9:10 -- "There's a circular wall grate."
darkling1: "You mean a window?"

9:11 -- moonlightalice: "How have they not eaten their own young by now?"

9:12 -- [stuff in Latin, including the word "transit"]
trinityvixen: "This way to the subway."

9:14 -- wellgull: "Who booby traps their house?"
moonlightalice: "Monks."

9:16 -- "I wish I could tell you, but I can't."
trinityvixen: "Otherwise the movie is over."

9:17 -- moonlightalice: "Let me guess--the Catholics are going to turn evil?"
feiran: "Turn evil?"

9:24 -- [BUSTY waitress, bent over to show the goods] "I can fix any engine!"
darkling1: "And I can also be used as a flotation device."

9:24 -- MUTANT SQUID

9:26 -- wellgull: "Who's that guy?"
moonlightalice: "He's hispanic, so therefore evil."
wellgull: "Oh right, he's Catholic."

9:32 -- "How do you become an expert on geology and seismology in a few years?"
moonlightalice: "College?"

9:32 -- "I need your help to retrieve an ancient artifact."
wellgull: "His penis."
feiran: "He's not that old."

9:45 -- moonlightalice: "Don't play with the Templar Knight!"
wellgull: "'So, what did you do today?' 'Descrated a tomb!' Yeah, this is going to end well."

9:50 -- wellgull: "We now return you to this chase scene, already in progress."

10:02 -- moonlightalice: "She had to get a shirt specially made to show that much boob. You can't just go to an underwater H&M for that."

10:03 -- trinityvixen: "Yessss, manly armpit hair....and we go to commericial."

10:04 -- feiran: "It's Waterworld crossed with The Da Vinci Code, why are you surprised that it sucks?"

10:08 -- moonlightalice: "So, she's going to date the brother. You know because they're both blonde."

10:09 -- [snitch is telling the bad guy information via text when he is caught]
darkling1: "I'm just Twittering!"

10:10 -- [bad guy jumps into the water] "He's out of our jurisdiction."
ALL: WHAT?

10:11 -- darkling1: "It's weird; I guess all the black people drowned."
moonlightalice: "No, remember the one cardinal?"

10:12 -- [Buxom blonde speaking:] "Desperation breeds genius, right?"
darkling1: "I do know a lot about breeding."

10:13 -- "These parts are as hot as a volcano." "So are you, my darling!"
ALL: GROAN

10:14 -- [black cardinal shows up] "I'm afraid I've got bad news."
darkling1: "You're going to hell for fornicating."

10:25 -- [bad guy has scepter]
moonlightalice: "Also, it's a big cock."

10:27 -- feiran: "He's going to pull the sarcophagus out of the ocean and find [his girlfriend] in it and go, 'I knew you were lying about your age.'"

10:40 -- wellgull: "It's the beard; it gives him strength. Also, I don't know what he's going to do."
trinityvixen: "He's going to put the thing in the hole."
moonlightalice: "He is a religious man."

10:42 -- feiran: "Cave sexs. Whoa."

10:43 -- trinityvixen: "HOW?"
wellgull: "Aliens."
moonlightalice: "God."
feiran: "Frankenfish."

10:44 -- trinityvixen: "Poison gas! Woo hoo!"
moonlightalice: "You keep saying that, but you never deliver."

10:45 -- feiran: "This cave has gas service? That's better than our apartment!"

10:51 -- feiran, about David Tennant, randomly: "He's like a turtle! He's got this funky neck, and this little teeny chin..."

10:57 -- feiran: "Somewhere on the Earth, 'NSYNC is doing a dance number."

10:59 -- moonlightalice: "No one even made out!"
feiran: "No, it was all about the tits."

Alas, not as awfully bad as some previous favorites, Lost City Raiders still had that mutant shark thing going for it. And did you know that the budget on this thing was roughly five times the norm for a Sci-Fi Channel Original Picture? True story!

Comments

[moonlightalice.livejournal.com]

This totally makes the movie sound way more entertaining than it actually was...

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

It helps that we have MUTANT ANIMALS mentioned, even though we only saw the one.

[viridian.livejournal.com]

So when are we liveblogging Fire & Ice?

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

As soon as one of us has a weekend free. So, in the new year, in other words :)

[ecmyers.livejournal.com]

Is it live if you're watching a recording? :)