God Bless You, SomethingAwful

[trinityvixen]

Yesterday, I nearly cracked up at work over the Tuesday Goldmine for this week (for you techno-geeks, you'll love this premise: "Features We Wished Windows Had"), then I caught this incredibly funny article for today about the director of Alone in the Dark. I've never played the game, though I almost picked up a copy of one of the sequels or the remake or whatever in a store once because it looked decent. The reviews for the film version are not only universally panning the movie, they're all kept so short it's as if the critic couldn't stomach writing any more than a couple of paragraphs. I sympathize--I wouldn't want to write more than a couple of paragraphs about Tara Reid either.

So, SA's article is about the scriptwriters who originally came in, what ideas they had for the movie, and how the director, Uwe Boll came along and told them how he wanted the movie to be instead. I would like to remind the vast majority of those of you who don't give a fuck, but Uwe Boll was the man responsible for the suck-fest that was House of the Dead the movie. The man had a relatively simple task--make a B-movie knock off of a shoot-em up game with zombies weilding chainsaws and axes in a giant fucking house, tossed together with some bad line delivery, and voila, a perfect complement to the game (you'd think, as he is German, the director could manage the bad voiceover-acting). Somehow, this didn't translate as the 'house' part of House of the Dead didn't really show up until the end.

Now, this suckhole has gotten his hands on Alone in the Dark and ruined it, and he's moving onto, you guessed it, more video game movies. Apparently, he's directing the Bloodrayne movie--should be interesting--among others, but none that I can tell straight off aren't video game movies. Hell, if he wants to make such bad movies, he should pick more classically bad games. House of the Dead is a GREAT game, and people seem pretty p-o'd about what's happened to Alone in the Dark, and Bloodrayne's not bad, just kinda, well, okay, it's not great, but it looks good. Anyway, check out the SA feature article here and amuse yourselves as it has amused me.

Comments

[ecmyers.livejournal.com]

That was hilarious! Those writers sure are brave--writing a scathing review of a movie they helped write could ruin their careers, or at least prevent them from ever working with Uwe Boll again. Which I am sure is right in line with their career goals, anyway.

Reading this reminded me of a book I read called Lucky Wander Boy, where the protagonist gets obsessed with an old video game (called Lucky Wander Boy) and wants to write the film adaptation of it, especially after he sees the terrible script they plan to produce. It's kind of an uneven book but it was pretty interesting and sometimes brilliant, particularly if you're into old school videogames. I can lend it to you sometime; I doubt the library will carry it.

So, I shouldn't see House of the Dead? I was vaguely interested, since Mark Altman was one of the screenwriters (he also wrote Free Enterprise, and I love the game--I mean, how could you mess up House of the Dead?

Apparently, according to IMDB, someone thought we needed a sequel, though: House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim...

And oh, look...there's a sequel to Free Enterprise coming too: My Big Geek Wedding. Hmmm.

[viridian.livejournal.com]

You know, the Bloodrayne movie could have been decent if they let the people who did Resident Evil get their hands on it. I still want Milla to play Rayne. (The best part of my rampant lesbian crush on Milla Jovovich is that it's not even based on finding her attractive so much as it is based on thinking that she'd be the perfect person to play my old favorite Mary Sue. Speaking of which, whose brilliant idea was it to cast Charlize Theron as Aeon Flux???!!)

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Despite being a giant ho-bag and a skank without a greencard, Charlize didn't look too bad in pics I saw for "Aeon Flux." Of course, my only memories of that show make me shudder and stop remembering it, but there you are.

I agree that they should have let Milla play Rayne, but I still say they should go back in time, whip Priscilla Presley into serious shape, teach her how to act, 'cause Rayne's pics from Bloodrayne 2 look JUST LIKE HER.

But, instead, we'll get the terminatrix. I half thought she would be all right (she wasn't terrible in T3), but then I found out about this arsehole...how does he get people to star in his movies? House of the Dead had that guy from "Das Boot" which won an Oscar or something. Stephen Dorff is in "Alone in the Dark"--does he find these people at just the right stage of desperation and career death?