Necessary sequels: G.I. Joe

[trinityvixen]

It would be understating the case to say G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is one of the worst movies I've seen. It compares unfavorably, even with an adjustment for so-bad-it's-good enthusiasm, to your average SyFy Channel Original movie. (Except possibly anything with C. Thomas Howell. I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN, HOWELL!!!!!!) When you have a cast that includes Jonathan Pryce, Dennis Quaid, Arnold Vosloo, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Ray Park being a fucking ninja and you make the stars of your movie Channing Tatum and a Wayans brother You Are Doing It Wrong.

If you can't be expected to have a plot--which nobody did expect--and you can't be expected to having great acting (Channing Tatum. Wayans brother. QED.), the least you can do is have awesome fights. You Are Doing It Wrong when a fight between Snake Eyes (Raaaaay Paaaaark) and the white-costume Ninja (Stormshadow?) is less cool than the fight between the two twelve-year-olds playing them in flashbacks. This movie had nothing. For no one. It was not even gleefully bad.

It looks like they've fixed all that in the sequel, starring the Rock. Fuck spoilers: it looks like Channing Tatum is barely in this and THANK FUCKING GOD. Make it all the Rock and Ray Park and surprise guest from the end of the trailer, and I will be there with my ticket money already gone. I'll buy so much popcorn and I'll eat it like Eddie Izzard taught me to do.

Comments

[linaerys.livejournal.com]

The ROCK?? YAYAYAY!

I love that man. He knows how to be a hilarious action hero. I have watched The Rundown a stupid number of times because he is so awesome in it.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Oh my God The Rundown. It is one of my favorite movies of his. Him and Seannnnnnnnn William Scott, whom I also irrationally adore, are perfect. I haven't seen the Rock's family-genre movies just because I haven't sat down to do so, but I will watch anything he does. Including a sequel to a movie I loathed with every fiber of my being, like G.I. Joe.

Man, now I want to go watch Fast Five again and just watch him wail on Vin Diesel. I love both of them so much, that movie was like a birthday present just for me (and all the other fans, of course).

[gryphonrose.livejournal.com]

Okay, yes, I would absolutely see this. But why no Rachel Nichols? I am sad. :(

[gryphonrose.livejournal.com]

Fast Five was surprisingly good! I expected nothing more than a brainless car flick, but it actually works as a heist movie. Tons of fun, that one.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

It was completely stupid and kind of a little bit INCREDIBLY GAY, which was hilarious because clearly the people making it thought it was straight-on DUDEBRO het-sex action.

I loved it, naturally.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

It's got that hot girl who played Tyra on Friday Night Lights (and who was going to be Wonder Woman until TV wonder-fucked that shit up). She should count, right? If she's playing Lady Jaye, I'll be all over that shit. Scarlet might have had the better hair, but Lady Jaye will fuck you up.

[xannoside.livejournal.com]

Being a fan of the Rock, I was essentially sold on this movie from day one.

I know it will be lamentable. I don't care. This franchise should have had the Rock in the first place.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

I could literally give a flying fuck what character he's supposed to be or how they'll introduce him or any of the other guys because I don't care about the franchise at all, but I have a vested interest in the Rock. Doing anything. I'm so there.