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Necessary sequels: G.I. Joe
Dec. 14th, 2011 10:40 amIt would be understating the case to say G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is one of the worst movies I've seen. It compares unfavorably, even with an adjustment for so-bad-it's-good enthusiasm, to your average SyFy Channel Original movie. (Except possibly anything with C. Thomas Howell. I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN, HOWELL!!!!!!) When you have a cast that includes Jonathan Pryce, Dennis Quaid, Arnold Vosloo, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Ray Park being a fucking ninja and you make the stars of your movie Channing Tatum and a Wayans brother You Are Doing It Wrong.
If you can't be expected to have a plot--which nobody did expect--and you can't be expected to having great acting (Channing Tatum. Wayans brother. QED.), the least you can do is have awesome fights. You Are Doing It Wrong when a fight between Snake Eyes (Raaaaay Paaaaark) and the white-costume Ninja (Stormshadow?) is less cool than the fight between the two twelve-year-olds playing them in flashbacks. This movie had nothing. For no one. It was not even gleefully bad.
It looks like they've fixed all that in the sequel, starring the Rock. Fuck spoilers: it looks like Channing Tatum is barely in this and THANK FUCKING GOD. Make it all the Rock and Ray Park and surprise guest from the end of the trailer, and I will be there with my ticket money already gone. I'll buy so much popcorn and I'll eat it like Eddie Izzard taught me to do.
If you can't be expected to have a plot--which nobody did expect--and you can't be expected to having great acting (Channing Tatum. Wayans brother. QED.), the least you can do is have awesome fights. You Are Doing It Wrong when a fight between Snake Eyes (Raaaaay Paaaaark) and the white-costume Ninja (Stormshadow?) is less cool than the fight between the two twelve-year-olds playing them in flashbacks. This movie had nothing. For no one. It was not even gleefully bad.
It looks like they've fixed all that in the sequel, starring the Rock. Fuck spoilers: it looks like Channing Tatum is barely in this and THANK FUCKING GOD. Make it all the Rock and Ray Park and surprise guest from the end of the trailer, and I will be there with my ticket money already gone. I'll buy so much popcorn and I'll eat it like Eddie Izzard taught me to do.
