2011: For the LOLZ
Jan. 11th, 2012 11:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trinityvixenAt last! I come to the list of movies that were so bad they were AWESOME. Included in this list is one that was slightly less shitmazing (TM ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
glvalentine) but that was no less a fun outing with awesome people who took the mickey out of it SO HARD to make up for it. That's what you get when you try to rewrite Greek history around a bunch of people who were force-fed that shit in their freshman year!
2011's So Bad, They're Brilliant Movies:
Unknown - You know that XKCD comic? Yeah, substitute "Liam Neeson" for "River Tam," and you've got the hottest new trend in movies...ever. Liam Neeson's renaissance as an action hero began with the ludicrous but still highly hilarious Taken in which he fought a bunch of kidnappers to rescue his daughter from white slavery. Which my mother, in all seriousness, advised my sister to watch before she went to Europe BECAUSE THAT SORT OF THING HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. And, unlike Liam Neeson's kids, my sister and I cannot count on our father murdering his way through Europe to retrieve us.
It continued with Unknown, which was slower to build to the insanity, but no less insane, really, in the end.wellgull and moonlightalice and feiran and I left the theater planning out all the future "Liam Neeson Fights..." movies that could be made. Although we hit the staples of pirates, ninjas, and zombies, we failed to recognize that his next opponents would WOLVES. And some time this year, ALIENS. Not gonna lie, I'm way more excited about the wolf movie, but that's mostly because it's not based off of a board game. Oh sweet Jesus, there is going to be a sequel to Taken and I have to write my mother and sister RIGHT NOW!!!
****
Fast Five - The movie in which TEH GAY was turned up to eleven, which is appropriate since the movie ripped off (after substantially dumbing down) Ocean's Eleven in this installment to reinvigorate the franchise. Which it totally did. Kudos to the Rock for being so fucking awesome. The fight between him and Vin Diesel looked like it fucking hurt, and I loved every second. I love the Rock. I love Vin Diesel. I loved the two brother characters who would argue and crack wise in Spanish and I love that the movie wouldn't always translate it! Because fuck you, that's why!
If this movie had just a skosh less Paul Walker, I'd have been perfectly pleased. But, then again, if they took him out, TEH GAY wouldn't have been nearly as good. They did everything they could to hetero-up this franchise, which, naturally, made it even more gay. They threw in not one but two hot females to distract from all the cock-measuring tension, and it just became the gayest gay movie that ever gayed. You know, I once watched an adorable movie called Trick, where the central plot was two gay guys running all over NYC looking for a place to fuck, and, inbetween aborted dry-humping and making out, they met all the gay stereotypes and sometimes made out with/got groped by them. Fast Five was gayer than that. I love you, you adorably-in-denial gays in this franchise.
Priest - There aren't words enough to express how I feel about this movie. Oh wait, yes, there are! But first, let me set the scene for you:
It's dark, darkety-dark-dark-dark. And dank, too. Dankety-dank-dank-dank. A bunch of dour (dourety-dour-d..eh fuck it)-looking dudes wander into this dark and dank place. They look full-on serious concerned about this place being so light-challenged and moisture-rich. Something bad is lurking in the blackened mucous all around them. Paul Bettany is stressed right the fuck out about this. Karl Urban, distressed, but possibly only because this is the trajectory of his career, says,
"This feels like....our grave." Thus began the greatest "fuck you" performance ever.
Karl Urban spent the rest of the movie like he wasn't in the same movie as everyone else (a theme with this year's so-bad-they're-great movies). Paul Bettany and Maggie Q acted like they were making ninjitsu CGI Shakespeare. Karl Urban spent his time drinking and catching up with Brad Dourrif about goings-on since the latter left New Zealand after The Return of the King and occasionally staggering into shot looking more stylish and having more fun than the rest of the cast and crew (but not the audience) combined. Would I recommend watching this movie? Only if you're drinking. Or in great company, which I was.xannoside, mithras03, ivy03. If we hadn't comprised more than half the audience for this movie, and if the other half hadn't been playing Angry Birds or reading a book during the movie, I'm sure that our cackles of glee would have been totally obnoxious.
Attack the Block - I know this is a surprising one for this category, but to be completely honest, this wasn't a great film on its own. The joke of it being about aliens invading and a bunch of council estate thugs kicking the crap out of the aliens is pretty much all there is to this movie. It's fun, don't get me wrong, but it's fun in the way that you appreciate because you've seen alien invasion movies that took themselves SOOOOOO seriously and this one doesn't, like, at all. And that's okay!
Jack the Giant Killer - A Rifftrax outing in the theater always goes in this category. The movie is just so-so--I barely remember what it was about, really. I think someone kidnapped a princess? I wish I remembered the shorts. They're usually the best because they're from an incredibly distant age where people used to (with much earnestness) make short movies about rather esoteric subjects. Like nothing. Not a value judgment, they actually made a movie about two kids pondering nothing. It was surreal to say the least.
****
The Three Musketeers - In which Orlando Bloom decided that if he was going to have to wear bloomers and tights, he was going to fuck with everybody who didn't and even some of the poor bastards who did. I cannot exaggerate how over-the-top his performance was because Orland Bloom saw Karl Urban's performance in Priest and said, "Bitch, please" and then went to add more pomade to his pompadour.
Oh, I'm sorry, did you want me to smarm at the other actors from this direction?
I didn't think I could laugh harder at a movie than I did at Priest. But...wow. I'm half convinced this was a madcap experiment by Paul W.S. Anderson to see what resulted from telling each of his actors he/she was in a totally different movie. Matthew McFayden was doing the Paul Bettany, trying to rise above the nonsense by being intense; Ray Stevenson was basically playing Titus Pullo from Rome, minus his actually getting laid; Luke Evans was playing Ezio Auditore (xannoside and I both, on opposite sides of the group, started shouting, "Assassino!"); and everyone else was running in all directions trying to make up for the lack of historicity by being charming and failing, utterly, once the airships showed up. (Which was about five minutes into the movie, so there went that plan.) I will say that the Queen kicked ass; I loved that Christoph Waltz was unable to be completely as evil as is his wont in movies because she would outflank his objections and her ninny of a husband would immediately agree with her.
But we all know who the real queen of this show was, and so did he. I never thought I'd say this, especially not after suffering through Pirates of the Caribbean's sequels, but....GOD BLESS YOU, ORLANDO BLOOM. To which he would probably say, "Why should I bless myself?"
****
Immortals - Wow, this one was pretty much just awful. Gorgeous visuals and the occasionally brilliant device (the Minotaur, which I kind of didn't get at first, was really well done), but really this movie was just shit. If you're going to re-imagine Greek myths, you have to do something with the Gods. Whatever you choose do to do, don't do what Immortals did, which was side line them at King Midas' Disco, where tunics and dangerous head gear live forever (so long as they're made of gold)!
However, I was sitting next tomithras03 for this one, and I got to make a ton of lewd comments, and when she giggles, it's quite loud, so that was fun. When she pointed out that Theseus alone was wearing pants and that, strictly speaking, period-wise, no one would be, I agreed with her that he shouldn't be wearing pants. Theseus might have been dumb as a rock, but that's okay as it looked like he was made out of marble. Rrrrowr. I'm sure I used language most unbecoming to make my case, too.
We all got to dissect this movie afterwards, which doesn't rescue it, but the shared experience of suffering through it together made for entertaining commentary. I swear,jethrien, we will take you out to better so-bad-they're-brilliant movies in future!
glvalentine) but that was no less a fun outing with awesome people who took the mickey out of it SO HARD to make up for it. That's what you get when you try to rewrite Greek history around a bunch of people who were force-fed that shit in their freshman year!2011's So Bad, They're Brilliant Movies:
Unknown - You know that XKCD comic? Yeah, substitute "Liam Neeson" for "River Tam," and you've got the hottest new trend in movies...ever. Liam Neeson's renaissance as an action hero began with the ludicrous but still highly hilarious Taken in which he fought a bunch of kidnappers to rescue his daughter from white slavery. Which my mother, in all seriousness, advised my sister to watch before she went to Europe BECAUSE THAT SORT OF THING HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. And, unlike Liam Neeson's kids, my sister and I cannot count on our father murdering his way through Europe to retrieve us.
It continued with Unknown, which was slower to build to the insanity, but no less insane, really, in the end.
wellgull and moonlightalice and feiran and I left the theater planning out all the future "Liam Neeson Fights..." movies that could be made. Although we hit the staples of pirates, ninjas, and zombies, we failed to recognize that his next opponents would WOLVES. And some time this year, ALIENS. Not gonna lie, I'm way more excited about the wolf movie, but that's mostly because it's not based off of a board game. Oh sweet Jesus, there is going to be a sequel to Taken and I have to write my mother and sister RIGHT NOW!!!****
Fast Five - The movie in which TEH GAY was turned up to eleven, which is appropriate since the movie ripped off (after substantially dumbing down) Ocean's Eleven in this installment to reinvigorate the franchise. Which it totally did. Kudos to the Rock for being so fucking awesome. The fight between him and Vin Diesel looked like it fucking hurt, and I loved every second. I love the Rock. I love Vin Diesel. I loved the two brother characters who would argue and crack wise in Spanish and I love that the movie wouldn't always translate it! Because fuck you, that's why!
If this movie had just a skosh less Paul Walker, I'd have been perfectly pleased. But, then again, if they took him out, TEH GAY wouldn't have been nearly as good. They did everything they could to hetero-up this franchise, which, naturally, made it even more gay. They threw in not one but two hot females to distract from all the cock-measuring tension, and it just became the gayest gay movie that ever gayed. You know, I once watched an adorable movie called Trick, where the central plot was two gay guys running all over NYC looking for a place to fuck, and, inbetween aborted dry-humping and making out, they met all the gay stereotypes and sometimes made out with/got groped by them. Fast Five was gayer than that. I love you, you adorably-in-denial gays in this franchise.
****
Priest - There aren't words enough to express how I feel about this movie. Oh wait, yes, there are! But first, let me set the scene for you:
It's dark, darkety-dark-dark-dark. And dank, too. Dankety-dank-dank-dank. A bunch of dour (dourety-dour-d..eh fuck it)-looking dudes wander into this dark and dank place. They look full-on serious concerned about this place being so light-challenged and moisture-rich. Something bad is lurking in the blackened mucous all around them. Paul Bettany is stressed right the fuck out about this. Karl Urban, distressed, but possibly only because this is the trajectory of his career, says,
"This feels like....our grave." Thus began the greatest "fuck you" performance ever.
Karl Urban spent the rest of the movie like he wasn't in the same movie as everyone else (a theme with this year's so-bad-they're-great movies). Paul Bettany and Maggie Q acted like they were making ninjitsu CGI Shakespeare. Karl Urban spent his time drinking and catching up with Brad Dourrif about goings-on since the latter left New Zealand after The Return of the King and occasionally staggering into shot looking more stylish and having more fun than the rest of the cast and crew (but not the audience) combined. Would I recommend watching this movie? Only if you're drinking. Or in great company, which I was.
xannoside, mithras03, ivy03. If we hadn't comprised more than half the audience for this movie, and if the other half hadn't been playing Angry Birds or reading a book during the movie, I'm sure that our cackles of glee would have been totally obnoxious.****
Attack the Block - I know this is a surprising one for this category, but to be completely honest, this wasn't a great film on its own. The joke of it being about aliens invading and a bunch of council estate thugs kicking the crap out of the aliens is pretty much all there is to this movie. It's fun, don't get me wrong, but it's fun in the way that you appreciate because you've seen alien invasion movies that took themselves SOOOOOO seriously and this one doesn't, like, at all. And that's okay!
****
Jack the Giant Killer - A Rifftrax outing in the theater always goes in this category. The movie is just so-so--I barely remember what it was about, really. I think someone kidnapped a princess? I wish I remembered the shorts. They're usually the best because they're from an incredibly distant age where people used to (with much earnestness) make short movies about rather esoteric subjects. Like nothing. Not a value judgment, they actually made a movie about two kids pondering nothing. It was surreal to say the least.
****
The Three Musketeers - In which Orlando Bloom decided that if he was going to have to wear bloomers and tights, he was going to fuck with everybody who didn't and even some of the poor bastards who did. I cannot exaggerate how over-the-top his performance was because Orland Bloom saw Karl Urban's performance in Priest and said, "Bitch, please" and then went to add more pomade to his pompadour.
Oh, I'm sorry, did you want me to smarm at the other actors from this direction?
I didn't think I could laugh harder at a movie than I did at Priest. But...wow. I'm half convinced this was a madcap experiment by Paul W.S. Anderson to see what resulted from telling each of his actors he/she was in a totally different movie. Matthew McFayden was doing the Paul Bettany, trying to rise above the nonsense by being intense; Ray Stevenson was basically playing Titus Pullo from Rome, minus his actually getting laid; Luke Evans was playing Ezio Auditore (
xannoside and I both, on opposite sides of the group, started shouting, "Assassino!"); and everyone else was running in all directions trying to make up for the lack of historicity by being charming and failing, utterly, once the airships showed up. (Which was about five minutes into the movie, so there went that plan.) I will say that the Queen kicked ass; I loved that Christoph Waltz was unable to be completely as evil as is his wont in movies because she would outflank his objections and her ninny of a husband would immediately agree with her.But we all know who the real queen of this show was, and so did he. I never thought I'd say this, especially not after suffering through Pirates of the Caribbean's sequels, but....GOD BLESS YOU, ORLANDO BLOOM. To which he would probably say, "Why should I bless myself?"
****
Immortals - Wow, this one was pretty much just awful. Gorgeous visuals and the occasionally brilliant device (the Minotaur, which I kind of didn't get at first, was really well done), but really this movie was just shit. If you're going to re-imagine Greek myths, you have to do something with the Gods. Whatever you choose do to do, don't do what Immortals did, which was side line them at King Midas' Disco, where tunics and dangerous head gear live forever (so long as they're made of gold)!
However, I was sitting next to
mithras03 for this one, and I got to make a ton of lewd comments, and when she giggles, it's quite loud, so that was fun. When she pointed out that Theseus alone was wearing pants and that, strictly speaking, period-wise, no one would be, I agreed with her that he shouldn't be wearing pants. Theseus might have been dumb as a rock, but that's okay as it looked like he was made out of marble. Rrrrowr. I'm sure I used language most unbecoming to make my case, too.We all got to dissect this movie afterwards, which doesn't rescue it, but the shared experience of suffering through it together made for entertaining commentary. I swear,
jethrien, we will take you out to better so-bad-they're-brilliant movies in future!
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no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 04:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 04:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 04:45 pm (UTC)But The Three Musketeers is a do-not-miss-it shitfest. Have one cocktail ready, but if you aren't swept along by just Orlando Bloom sneering at people (while smiling!), I'll be surprised. Dear Christ, was he fabulous (in all senses of that word).
no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 04:48 pm (UTC)The Rock does make everything better. I'm actually planning to see the sequel to G.I. Joe just because the Rock won't let me down.
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Date: 2012-01-11 05:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-11 06:12 pm (UTC)Pretty much this. :)
The Three Musketeers may have been the greatest shitty movie I've ever seen. So outrageously awful that I would totally recommend it to other people, even sober.
It was a slapstick RenFaire production with millions of dollars, is what it was. And what it was was awesome. I may actually buy this one just to watch ChuckRo and Jethrien's expressions when I show it to them.
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