The hilarity

[trinityvixen]

This is yet another example of why that 'weirdness' meme deserves to be longer than five items for me:

So, little known fact about me: when I enjoy a work of fiction--book, play, movie, etc--I find it really amusing then go to the Pit of Voles (aka fanfic. net) to find out what the fanbrats have done to it. Right up there with the "if it's possible to fetishize, someone has a site devoted to it" law of the interenet is this: if it hits the mainstream, the fanbrats hit right back. I'm a little scarred, to tell you the truth, after I browsed the King Arthur listings (fanbrats were in heaven--lots of gorgeous men all attracted to the meek, uninteresting, young Keira Knightly = self insertion Sues for the fandom like rats for the sewers). I won't even go into the horror that is The Phantom of the Opera fanfic (this is because the movie utterly ruined everything, you ask me--I went for the musical and the book, damn it!).

The exceptions I make to this fanfic browsing rule are for movies/books/et al that are esoteric, quirky, or independent enough that they ought not to have fanfiction and would break my head if they did (because I saw it so recently, Eternal Sunshine is coming immediately to mind); or if the original work was especially beloved that it might ruin the enjoyment I get out of it by reading other idiots' interpretations (think Lord of the Rings here).

Anyway, I was diverted by The Fantastic Four, as I shared at length earlier today, so I wandered over and plugged into the wavelength of the fanbrats. There are the normal assortments of Mary Sues, slashed pairs that oughtn't to be there, and the TWUWUV main canon pairings (from one film! one! I can't even complain because I've done this to myself, I realize). But some of the wordings and phrasings just had me giggling from the get go.

Check these out:

1) "When Suzie Storm, the Invisible Woman, goes missing, the Fantastic four goes out to search for her..."
Right, because they have any proof that she's not just playing silly buggers and staying, I dunno, invisible??? Seriously, at what point do you assume an invisible person is missing instead of just being really hard to not see? Comic fans, help me out: do they call her Suzie, either?

2) "...ProDoom, as if you didn't guess."
I like that, I really do. 'ProDoom' is officially my new favorite fanfic abbreviation ever. I think instead of making my LJ name "Woo Scarf'd!" I'll make it ProDoom. Also, is it just me, or does this sound like Doom's latest strategy to take over the world is by releasing really scary Latverian software?

3) "Life lesson number 1. Do not, repeat, DO NOT...develop feelings for your brother in law"
For those of you who are living and do not have a brother-in-law, please proceed directly to Life lesson number 2.

4) "Something is wrong with Johnny Storm. His body is out of control, burning up with a fever unimaginable for the Human Torch."
Why is it a major crisis if the guy who can go hot as the sun has a temperature? Honestly, shouldn't he be more worried if he's not burning up?

5) "When you're a Human Torch, oxygen can be your best friend or your worst enemy."
It's funny, but I thought humans in general didn't have that problem. Either you make the friends with Oxygen, or you make like its discoverer--dead.

6) "Ben has a choice... his fiance, or the people he saves."
Way to ruin the ending, you twat. Obviously, if he saves them, Ben choses the people.

7) "Johnny is recommended to attend Xabiers school for Gifted Youngsters..."
That's the Mutant Academy for dumb-ass fanbrat cross-over writers. We don't allow them to mix with the good writers, I hope you understand.

8) "What if the members of the Fantastic Four had received their magnificent powers when they were only thirteen and fourteen years old?"
I bet they'd be totally okay with it. Any teenagers who can get the governments/billionaires of the world to shuttle them into space are probably totally all there in the head, man.

9) "What if Victor Von Dooms Niece came with him on that trip up to space and also got powers herself. What will happen. And will Johnny and her ever get along, and why am I talking like this"
Look, I don't even have to try! This is clearly the best story in the universe. It makes the question mark useless. Who would have thought.

10) "Rude language! PLZ REVIEW!"
There are no words.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I like the "and why am I talking like this." It's funny when bad writers try to be meta about their badness. Because, you know, for meta to be funny, it has to be done by a good writer.

I also give #1 and #4 the gold stars for plot holes.

What, praytell, does ProDoom stand for? I usually get behind the wacky fan abbreviations. They make things more fun. Especially when they lead to confusion.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

Fracking hell! Stop signing me off, stupid lj!

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

ProDoom was on a Fantastic Four story that was avidly for the villain from the movie. His name is fairly hilarious in and of itself: Victor von Doom. So, if you write a fanfic in which you love Doom to pieces and make him seem a tragic hero instead of the asshole the movie made him out to be, you would be writing a "ProDoom."

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

And fracking???

ARE YOU WATCHING THE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA!!??!!??

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

I actually said "fracking" in front of my boss today. Then I had to hang my head in shame.

I started to say it, then caught myself, and my boss told me he didn't mind if I swore. So I had to explain I wasn't actually swearing, I was using a made-up swear word...

Argh.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

::giggles::

Well, that's better than me showing my geek on the blood bus and getting int oa fight yet again about the nature of Cyclops' power...well, not fight, but ardent debate...

Juse be thankful your issue wasn't with a stranger...

[jethrien.livejournal.com]

So, used "gorram" or "shiny" in real life conversation yet?

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

Yes. Also "frelling" and "shway."

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

See, I don't know if frakk will ever take the place of frell. Frell is just easier to roll of the tongue, and it got there first...

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Almost! When I was arguing with my Dad, I really had to reach for those "Goddamn"s over gorram, because I'm lazy and fewer hard consonants make for an easy argument.

I say shiny sometimes already.

[viridian.livejournal.com]

BWAH.

You curse when arguing with your dad.

Mine would killlll me. My mom and I curse constantly without even noticing it, but my dad yells at us both for it.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

It's the other way around in my family. If you piss my mother off enough that she starts cursing, it means DOOM.

[chuckro.livejournal.com]

And see, my original thought was that he'd won a professorship at a prestigious university, so instead of going by Dr. Doom, he'd be addressed as Professor Doom, aka ProDoom.

He's teaching the "Problem of Evil" class, of course.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

"Hi. I'm evil. I heard you had a problem with me."

[mephistakitten.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's kinda like pro-choice?

[chuckro.livejournal.com]

This "ProDoom" nonsense is just Anti-Four Propaganda, and I won't stand for it! Pro-Four and Proud!

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

See, I see "ProDoom" and think "prodromal," as in the stage of schizophrenia before the patient develops any symptoms, when they seem normal. And maybe that's a better way to look at the Pit of Voles.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

...the fangirls...they're hearing voices...they say "wriiiiiiiiiite baaaaaaaaad faaaaaaaanfictiooooonnnnnnnn"

If this were the olden days, we could say they were witches and burn them.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Your Anti-Doom agenda is precisely what's wrong with this country! If conservative do-gooders like you had your way, we none of us would be allowed to know true career fulfillment in the pathways of evil. Evil isn't something you can help, you know. Some of us are born evil. You have just got to accept that we are different, and persecuting otherwise outstanding, successful citizens, like Dr. Victor von Doom, only proves your ignorance can kill.

I am ProDoom and Proud, sir. Pride belongs on our side of the table (as it's usually what gets us into trouble in the first place).

[edgehopper.livejournal.com]

I see a future senate judicial confirmation hearing...

"Ms. Fangirl, we are disturbed and alarmed by this ProDoom statement you released in 2006. Can we really expect you to judge cases involving supervillains neutrally?"

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

"Senator, my work as an activist for supervillain-superhero harmony should be a testament to my ability to remain unbiased by such things as gender, race, or evility. I am committed to treating infractions from the super-powered factions in our country with fairness and equality. I am also compassionate for those people who, through no fault of their own, cannot control these abilities and need to present their case before a court sympathetic to their unique disabilities. After all, if a handicapped man happens to mow someone down who was walking up the ramp because his wheel chair was malfunctioning, we don't accuse the handicapped of being 'evil' or 'anti-normal.' Likewise, we cannot condemn without first carefully reviewing the facts and possible mitigating circumstances behind these so-called outbreaks of 'supervillainy.' Next question?"

[xannoside.livejournal.com]

"Ms. Fangirl, recent allegations have come to light of...more intimate connections between your person and those of the supervillain community. Specifically, I draw your attention to this photograph of Dr. Doom's 50th Birthday Bash in Latveria, where you appear to be wearing the hench-costume of a particular criminal mastermind. Would you care to reconcile the evidence as represented with the reasons why you have come before us today?"

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

"Easily done, sir. As noted, this picture was taken at a party in which all in attendance were expected to don specific regalia. Sort of a masquerade, though masks were not required. Several reporters covering the bash went as Friends of Humanity, which I think is rather more offensive to the mutant superheroes/villains who were there than my attempt--in jest, purely as a joke, sir--to appear as a second-hand woman to Dr. Doom. The good doctor and I had quite a laugh over it. In other words, sir, I would encourage this tribunal to focus on the three-hundred-sixty-four other days that year that I, next to villainy or apart from it, never once donned any similar regalia. Next to the abominable choice of an SS costume sported by the then-prince, now King of England at a similar sort of party, I would dare say my offense was negligible even in terms of having poor taste. Next question?"

[xannoside.livejournal.com]

"Ms. Fangirl, what about this photo of your lips attached to Dr. Baltar's rear, taken a month later, at the 2005 Cyclon Masquerade Ball?"

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

"If we are going to spend the entire time investigating my sense of humor instead of my demonstrably impeachable conduct, we might as well mention the fact I most enjoy "Garfield," "Foxtrot," and "Dilbert" when I read the Sunday comics.

"But if you insist on persisting with this line of questioning, I am more than willing to oblige. Dr. Baltar is a fellow with a strange sense of humor of his own. He's used to a certain amount of submission from those who, in jest or in actuality, are Cylons. I was dressed for the evening as a known Cylon agent. All in good spirits, sir."

[xannoside.livejournal.com]

"Ms. Fangirl, I'm afraid you've misunderstood this particular line of questioning. We asked you about Dr. Victor Von Doom and Dr. Gaius Baltar, not because of their allegedly "evil" standing, but because of their noted, apparently personal, opposition to the moral lessons the Bible provides us with. Dr. Baltar, in particular, is kind of icky.

This administration stands specifically in staunch opposition to the amoral repugnancy of the liberal-minded elite who would attack the values held dear by our citizens and their families with laviscious un-Christian behavior.

If you admit that the lips in this picture, portraying said inappropriate behavior, do in fact belong to you, how can we not conclude, in a similar moment of jest in the future, that you would not besmearch the dignity of the post to which you have been nominated, and thus bring embarassment to this administration?"

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

"I understand I have erred in my estimation of what this council was after with this line of questioning. My apologies.

"As to the alleged 'un-Christian' behavior, I take high offense that my spirit of joy and brotherhood to all God's children should be at all portrayed as something negative. Because certain people push a conservative agenda does not change the fact that, in the New Testament, Jesus Christ himself says that the highest commandment there is for a man or woman is to love his neighbor as he or she loves him or herself.

"Dr. Baltar unfortunate chemical imbalance and alledgedly licentious behavior does not change the fact that he performs his duties as determined necessary by both the office of the President of the Twelve Colonies and the Quorum of Twelve. We cannot prematurely judge Dr. Baltar on gossip alone. His personal behavior has, to date, not compromised his public responsibilities as Vice President nor as chief scientist in charge of routing out possible Cylon agents. Let us not forget, while certain members of this council are rushing to condemn based on behavior alone, that Dr. Baltar has made a significant contribution to the overall safety of this or any other administration.

"Furthermore, I reiterate the fact that these photos were not taken in a state affair. Photos regarding my personal life off the job are bound to be incriminating whether they are of the 'washy liberal latte drinking' I partake in when I do not order a regular coffee in the mornings, or of me buying 'elitist health-nut wheat bread' at the grocery store. To put it simply, sir, my personal habits do not inform upon my decisions in my work, as may be noted by my recent sentencing of avowed comedian Spider-Man to seventy hours community service cleaning up the webbings he has left strewn about New York City. I will confess to being highly amused by the crime-fighter's antics in the Daily Bugle, as well as being diverted by a few choice utterings I had the privilege to hear in person. Let the record show, however, that I never once allowed such levity to sway my judgment once in my sentencing.

"Are these answers sufficient?"

[xannoside.livejournal.com]

"A sentencing, I would point out, which was overturned several hours later when Spider-Man, with help from the NYPD evidence archives, proved conclusively that his webbing fully dissolves after several hours, and therefore was not responsible for the traces of webbing upon which the DA's case was based.

Furthermore, considering that Spider-Man's "antics", as you call them, involve the assault and occasional kidnapping of the Bugle's owner, J. Jonah Jameson, why should this committee believe that you would not find other such criminal, and potentially terrorist, actions merely amusing, while sentencing community service for parking fines in all directions?"

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

[okay, lol at all this--what the fuck are we doing? I have seriously gone off track...]

"Mr. Jameson has never successfully tried a case involving his reputed kidnappings. Mitigating circumstances and the fact that the person in question has been known to aggrandize and embellish the truth in order to pad his profit margin make it difficult to determine whether or not Mr. Jameson was ever in any danger at all or if it was all a publicity stunt. In my professional opinion, without evidence of an assault being directly caused by Spider-Man, and with Mr. Jameson's track record for falsifying information for the sake of entertaining his readers, it would be nearly impossible to credit his claims. They have, you might notice, never gotten by a grand jury.

"As for the rest, I have not had occasion to sentence the so-called supervillains among us to date. I would, however, encourage therapy and rehabilitation for those aspiring to correct various mistakes of breeding or upbringing or mutation that had lead them to trespass against the law, and would keep such options available and readily apply them in any sentencing I would hand out. And, frankly, your remark about parking fines and community service baffles me, unless of course you are referring to the sentence I passed on Wonder Woman three years ago when she left her invisible plane parked across twenty-five parking spaces in a major metropolitan shopping district's lot. Were it not for the fact she parked over two handicapped spaces, I might have waved the sentence, but just as I am able to see the potential for rehabilitation and retraining in our supervillains, I cannot allow to continue the gross negligence and permissivity of our superheroes' behaviors as are detriment to the community at large. We can allow for extinuating circumstances, but the infractions have become frequent to the point of blatant disregard for the society these heroes are supposed to protect. My court does not forgive oversight that causes civil unrest, one way or another, sir."

[xannoside.livejournal.com]

We are wasting time geekily :P - although the geek in me points out that JJJ tried to sue Spidey on exactly those charges due to having dozens of witnesses to it, and Spidey has since in fact admitted in court to it, and Wonder Woman's plane doesn't need to park, which kind of leaves this at an impasse. ;)

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Good, because this b-s'ing is getting old. The sooner the supervillains take over and enslave us all, the better, I say. As for JJ, he probably deserved it. And where does Wonder Woman park her little leer jet anyway?

[xannoside.livejournal.com]

In her pocket. It's shrinkable, really. Though normally, she asks it to hover around, as the start-up takes longer than Windows.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

This is where we could go geek-to-nerd and talk about how a different operating system might help with that...

[viridian.livejournal.com]

Omg. *Does this for one of my own fandoms*