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Dec. 19th, 2006 03:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trinityvixenYou are now officially not allowed to do the following things at the service windows of the post office. And by "officially," I mean that I will beat you to death with the shards of my packages if you try to do any of the following during the Christmas season at one the precious few windows that are open:
1) BUY STAMPS. This is the #1 thing you aren't allowed to do and LIVE because THERE ARE FUCKING DISPENSE-O-MATIC MACHINES IN THE LOBBY. TWO OF THEM. USE THEM OR PERISH!
1a) ORDER SPECIFIC STAMPS. I swear to Jeebus in his little manger, if you get on the line and you make me wait for you to buy stamps and you don't buy THE FIRST ONES THE TELLER GIVES YOU, I will jam my iPod up your cakehole and hit "repeat one" and make you say over and over how sorry you are for wasting everyone's goddamned time. YOU GET THE STAMPS YOU GET. You want pretty stamps? Order them online. Come back in January. I don't care if she hands you a sheet of Sodomy's All Stars, you take the fucking stamps and get off the line. In fact, that should be a rule--you don't use the machines, you get "This package brought to you by a pervert" stamps. And they cost more, the extra going to fund the salary of another teller to make up for your taking one up for FUCKING DECORATIVE STAMPS.
2) Get or renew your passport. Because some girl cut in line on me while I was waiting all during my lunch break, and just got handled. I hope to Christ that she'd been there before and was being served after completing her papers because otherwise, she deserved to be disembowled. If you have to have a passport for travel in or around Christmas, for all that is holy, get it done before December or you forfeit your right to live. HAVE FUN GOING TO TURKEY IN A BODY BAG, YOU SHIT-LICKING ASSHAT!
3) Be an old person. Because old people take to fucking long. They sit and whine about how long the line is, as if the rest of us are blind and have Memento disease where we might have forgotten in the five minutes since they last said it. Also, never have their money out, and it takes the old ladies fifty fucking days to find it in their gargantuan purses and the old guys to get the bills out of the pants pocket. Send your ungrateful kids to the store for you, people.
4) Not have an address written on the envelope before you get to the window. That's what the interminable wait on the line was for. Congratulations, you are dead.
5) Buying a money order. Unless you need the government's insurance on your down payment to ransom Santa Claus himself from Oogie Boogie, your money order can wait. Otherwise, kindly fuck off and die.
Yes, I am a tad bitter. I had to wait this long because I got sick at the end of last week when I meant to go, and for the past two days, I've been unable to talk at all. As is, I could barely make myself heard. Merry Fucking Christmas.
1) BUY STAMPS. This is the #1 thing you aren't allowed to do and LIVE because THERE ARE FUCKING DISPENSE-O-MATIC MACHINES IN THE LOBBY. TWO OF THEM. USE THEM OR PERISH!
1a) ORDER SPECIFIC STAMPS. I swear to Jeebus in his little manger, if you get on the line and you make me wait for you to buy stamps and you don't buy THE FIRST ONES THE TELLER GIVES YOU, I will jam my iPod up your cakehole and hit "repeat one" and make you say over and over how sorry you are for wasting everyone's goddamned time. YOU GET THE STAMPS YOU GET. You want pretty stamps? Order them online. Come back in January. I don't care if she hands you a sheet of Sodomy's All Stars, you take the fucking stamps and get off the line. In fact, that should be a rule--you don't use the machines, you get "This package brought to you by a pervert" stamps. And they cost more, the extra going to fund the salary of another teller to make up for your taking one up for FUCKING DECORATIVE STAMPS.
2) Get or renew your passport. Because some girl cut in line on me while I was waiting all during my lunch break, and just got handled. I hope to Christ that she'd been there before and was being served after completing her papers because otherwise, she deserved to be disembowled. If you have to have a passport for travel in or around Christmas, for all that is holy, get it done before December or you forfeit your right to live. HAVE FUN GOING TO TURKEY IN A BODY BAG, YOU SHIT-LICKING ASSHAT!
3) Be an old person. Because old people take to fucking long. They sit and whine about how long the line is, as if the rest of us are blind and have Memento disease where we might have forgotten in the five minutes since they last said it. Also, never have their money out, and it takes the old ladies fifty fucking days to find it in their gargantuan purses and the old guys to get the bills out of the pants pocket. Send your ungrateful kids to the store for you, people.
4) Not have an address written on the envelope before you get to the window. That's what the interminable wait on the line was for. Congratulations, you are dead.
5) Buying a money order. Unless you need the government's insurance on your down payment to ransom Santa Claus himself from Oogie Boogie, your money order can wait. Otherwise, kindly fuck off and die.
Yes, I am a tad bitter. I had to wait this long because I got sick at the end of last week when I meant to go, and for the past two days, I've been unable to talk at all. As is, I could barely make myself heard. Merry Fucking Christmas.
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no subject
Date: 2006-12-20 08:11 pm (UTC)