Okay, so only darkling1 will have any idea what I'm talking about

[trinityvixen]

Last night's Smallville was so...so Smallville, you know? It's like the show designed by the kid brother of someone who is actually cool. Like the kid who writes the fanfic based on the comics that someone better writes. No, really, I mean, we've always known that, right? Because someone came up with the "let's visit one of the greatest DC heroes in high school!" plot that I'm positive no other fanfic'er has ever done before. Dude! That idea is awesome. I am totally going to write one like it, only mine will be more original, 'cause I'm gonna set it at War College on Caprica, and have it be about soldiers on Battlestar Galactica going through training and stuff, ZOMG it'll be so awesome!!!

Ahem. It's really funny to watch Smallville and take apart the episode as if you were taking apart yet another fanboy/fangirl'd up fanfic. This last night's episode featured the proto-JLA under the guidance of Oliver Queen: the robot kid, the Flash (er, Impulse), and fucking Aquaman (who, if it's possible, and somehow it is, regressed even more towards his caveman ancestry since last we saw him, and who then cracked jokes about his getting naked that immediately caused women everywhere--the two still watching Smallville, so me, and the other girl--to go irreversibly GAY FOR LIFE). And they had this keen plan to take out an evil factory (don't ask--the entire factory was home to Luthor-bred evil!). But first they had to find where it was. I turned to darkling1 and laid money on it being near a river or something, and wouldn't you know? AC with the hook up, dudes: "Dur, that's right by the docks, hurhur ::I swim goods, don't forget::!"

The rest you could probably dissect without reading fanfic if you'd been watching Smallville since it got its start: the reckless barging in by Clark, the gay, gay subtext to every line he says to another man (or any line to Chloe about "his secret"--take a drink!), Oliver getting the girl (ugh, except her being Lois--OMG! DOES AC KNOW????) but not actually getting any of TEH SEX 'cause clearly he is waiting for the Mary Sue of his dreams (also? sex is icky and makes you a slut!!), the Luthors lying to each other and everyone else...

Which brings me to the things that made this terrible fanfic episode one of the best of ever: John Glover, Chloe as "Watchtower," AND NO LANA LANG THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE THING!!!!!!!!! If this show had to be run on three things, you could run it on those three things. Have John Glover be the Magnificent Bastard (TM) to all and sundry (don't you wish he would just stop having a conscience again and crush Lex? Because he is clearly better than Lex and more awesomes); have Chloe show up in one of her perky-booby tops with her fabulous hair and her 733t hacking skillz (she needs a job at the government, like whoa), and have them contemplate the various ways their lives are made better by Lana Lang being gone. They can make a new reason up each week. She fell off cliff when a strong wind knocked her over the edge while trying to take a picture. Clark had sex with her--with his powers intact. She's being parceled into meals for starving kids. She's slowly having chunks of hair and skin ripped off by former Smallville watchers who weren't cool with the LANA IS THE GREETEST! plot of the show.

Dude, I would watch that every week.

And there was stuff with leather this week I didn't even get into. Fanbrats writing for TV = THEY!

Comments

OMGOMG

[anarchicsquirrl.livejournal.com]

Haha, "They." I miss They Watch.

Re: OMGOMG

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

I bet it's not any good now that we're not there to get the in-Columbia ranting type ones. But yeah, anything equaling THEY! for the win!

[arcane-the-sage.livejournal.com]

I'm just waiting for Lex's army to show up on the scene. Oh and we all know Lex was sexing up Lana so he can steal her "everyone loves me" power ^_^




PS: We all know Lana's baby is Clark's right?

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Oh and we all know Lex was sexing up Lana so he can steal her "everyone loves me" power
See, now that? Makes more sense than Lex and Lana falling in together the way they did on the show. So what if it totally busts the fourth wall? WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER. Would make Lex so much cooler.


And...can the baby be Clark's? I don't want to go the woman-of-kleenex route too much here, but I'm just wondering how much time would have passed since Clark and Lana did it and her figuring out she was pregnant. We haven't got any markers of pregnancy among Kryptonians for reference, like that babies gestate for like three years or anything, do we? 'Cause otherwise, though it would make sense for this stupid show, it's been too long for Lana to be pregnant by Clark.

Also? ISN'T SHE LIKE 18? WHY DON'T THE TABLOIDS CARE ABOUT THAT? They only went off of Lex possibly getting married. Not as much about the fact that Lana is supposed to be ten years younger and preggo.

[chuckro.livejournal.com]

Lana (and Clark, and Chloe) are 19 or 20, if the continuity police have been paying attention. First season was freshman yar of high school, when they should have been 15, and Lex was established as 21. So Lex is ~27 now.

Sketchy? Hells yeah. Should the tabloids be all over it? Hells yeah. Illegal? Unfortunately, no.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

He's only six years older? I thought he was supposed to be ten! No way was Lex only 21 first season...just...no way! That makes it even more like fanfic, sheesh.

[arcane-the-sage.livejournal.com]

Well the point of reference for the rough time of conception is when Clark lost his powers. The show seems to have made it a point not to say how far along Lana is. The problem then becomes one of "just how much time has pass?" Assuming the time between Clark's power loss and Lana's knocking boots with Lex is around two months then it's quite possible. Hell in show they've even hinted as much that Lana + baby has a possible Clark connection.

*does some looking up*

Ok it seems that those two events are about 21 eps apart (Mortal is about when they knocked boots in season 5, and Lex and Lana got together in Zod at the opening of Season 6). If on average the amount of time that passes per eps is 3 days then at 63 days my theory still holds up.

[chuckro.livejournal.com]

...except that they typically make each season equivalent to a year, and while I'm not sure it was expicitly stated, the passing of the seasons and special holiday episodes would seem to indicate that's the case again.

To quote, "That's so horrible, and not remotely my concern unless you have the gestational period of an elephant."

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

What are you quoting?

[chuckro.livejournal.com]

Something Positive, from late September of 2002, I believe. Have you read S*P? If you haven't, then you should.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Never have, thought everyone around me seems to have done.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

All that in two months? No wonder they're just out of high school six years later. Really, though, if it's been such a short time, Lionel wouldn't have the opportunity to make moves on Martha because Jonathon wouldn't be even a month dead. No ways, yo.

[bigscary.livejournal.com]

At least it was better than the show's been in years.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

You will get no argument from me. Woo! Every other episode should be a no-Lana episode! The ones with her must feature her being harmed in some way, which, I am comfortable with saying, will probably be the case.