Fast Five: If you want to know what this review is about, see my icon

[trinityvixen]

I am the first person to get extremely annoyed at slashers. Look, you people have all the goddamned right in the world to think two dudes (or ladies, but you do so less often) are boning each other because they were friends/were enemies/said "hi" to each other/shared an overlapping second of screen time together. But it's very irritating to those of us who appreciate seeing homosociality (same-sex, deep and abiding friendships) done well onscreen. Because those relationships are devolved into slash. VERY ANNOYING.

That being said, linaerys linked me to this fantastic, soon-to-be-on-TV-Tropes-if-it-isn't-already idea of No Heterosexual Explanation Moments. This nice blogger has a very good point. Occasionally, you watch something and you know that there is absolutely no feasible way to explain any of what's going on other than two people, of the same sex, are clearly hot for each other. Or, at least, one of them is. Take Spartacus: Blood and Sand. (No, please. Take it.) There be more titties flying over that show than you can get in a night out on a coochie bar crawl with the crew of Girls Gone Wild. Spartacus and his beeeeeeest friiiiiieeeeeeend, uh, what's his name, Cupid? They're both mourning women they cannot have because they're imprisoned/because she's dead, whatever. (A prison where you turn into an unstoppable killing machine? Hard to see how that plan could go wrong for the guards!) But even my father knows that Cupid wants Spartacus more than he wants air. No, for real, I watched one episode, mid-season, of that show with my dad, and after one scene went down, I just blurted out, forgetting I was with my Dad, "Wow. Cupid wants Spartacus so hard." My Dad, definitely embarrassed, probably uncomfortable, but ultimately honest, said, "You know, I think you're right."

That, ladies and gents, is a genuine "No Heterosexual Explanation Moment" right the fuck there. And that is what The Fast and the Furious series of movies has become. I mean, yes, there were those elements there from the beginning, although I still think that, compared to the movie it clearly was inspired by, Point Break, The Fast and the Furious has A. Lot. of gay ground to cover, even with all the muscles and muscle cars. So much of the first The Fast and the Furious movie is about Paul Walker's character essentially being a punk who wants approval from anybody that whatever bedroom leers and grunts are exchanged between him and Vin Diesel are lost. Plus, Vin Diesel had the undeniably sexier Michelle Rodriguez, who, in addition to being sexier is already more of a man than Paul Walker, so why the hell would he switch (ugh) gears? Besides, you can't out-gay the combination of Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves.

Or, at least, you couldn't until Fast Five. Part of the problem is the way women have been entirely side-lined in the series. I won't go into the egregiously misogynist overtones to these movies. Women mostly exist as car trophies--literally, most of the female roles are uncredited and underdressed ladies draped over muscle cars. (Compensating? For what?) Vin Diesel's character's girlfriend is MIA, and the sister is basically a fleshlight that can talk for Paul Walker's character. As the tokenest of token roles for women have been shed or winnowed down such that it is nearly impossible to remember why they're even in the movies at all (Jordana Brewster, you are Wasting. Your. Time.), it becomes increasingly impossible to figure out how one justifies any of the relationships in the movie--specifically, Vin Diesel's and Paul Walker's--without having to declare that there is no heterosexual explanation. There just...isn't.

I cannot say more without "spoiling" the latest movie. But it shouldn't be a surprise when I tell you that, between having a film franchise based on two dudes and the steady elimination of any female characters that could possibly come between them, this movie is the gaaaaaaaaaaaayest Fast and Furious of them all. You can't fight it. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker have a conversation about their pasts. Vin Diesel freaking hugs Paul Walker at one point. Bring on the rainbow flags.

Fast Five was ridiculous, but I feel like critiquing it on those grounds is pointless. It's like being mad that the dancers in something like Step it Up 2 or whatever aren't good actors. Are you there to see a plot, with logical procession from conflict to climax to resolution, or are you there to see Vin Diesel get into a fight with The Rock? Yeah, I thought as much. My brother-in-law and younger sister were talking about the biggest chase (because naturally there were several) and how implausible it was. For my part, I kept mum because a) it's nonsensical to make an issue out of how unrealistic The Fast and the Furious movies are, since that's what you pay for, and b) I was certain my grumpiness over the fact that women were completely without agency in the movie wouldn't impress anybody. (I said I wouldn't go into it, but, come on. The movie is almost blithely indifferent to how multi-cultural its cast is, even though the white guys are the stars, but women? They are to be having the sex with. And maybe working the phone during the heist.)

What's interesting to me is the overt interest in turning this franchise into something more like the Ocean's Eleven movies. The very premise of drawing together all the characters from other films to fill certain roles, and even giving those roles specific names (not as clever as the ones in the Ocean's movies, but you get the idea), is an attempt to move beyond Macho Posturing: The Series. I find it funny that they went that route in the most macho-est, posturing-est outing to date.

Feel free to agree/disagree in comments. There will probably be spoilers!

Comments

[linaerys.livejournal.com]

The only thing I disagree about his how gay Brian and Dom were for each other in the first movie. Brian just glazes over whenever he gets to gaze upon Dom. And Dom instantly trusts him, and "owns" him, according to Mia. At the end Brian throws his career away for Dom. That's why it's a NHEM. If you take away the idea that Brian is in love with Dom and vice versa, I don't think many of their interactions (and LOOKS, DEAR GOD) make much sense. I suppose it could just be homosocial, but it reads absolutely like a love story.

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Well, the issue of the undercover guy making friends with and then having to betray a criminal is one that is fascinating in its own right, to me, without having to read in any romance. I love the way that relationship plays on trust and betrayal without it having to be any more personal. It's certainly devastating enough to learn that someone you, against the wishes of others, took into your inner circle, was plotting to destroy you the whole time without it being about the person you were having/wanted to have sex with being that traitor. I don't need that layer. It just seems tawdry and unnecessary.

And, like I said, it ignores the possibility that a friendship, under those circumstances, can be just as intimate without being romantic and/or physical. I want more intimate same-sex friendships, especially for guys, onscreen. Granted, The Fast and the Furious series is probably not the best place to look for it, since the movies obviously have some minor gay-panic awareness with all the scantily clad ladies thrown in (and the I'm-not-a-beard girlfriends). Still, it was a start. I certainly wouldn't mind if the movies ended up with Paul Walker and Vin Diesel gay for each other--gay romances are even more scarce than homosocial ones on film--but if that's not what the movie wanted, and they make a valiant attempt to do it the friendship way, I want them to succeed.

Of course, with the latest installment, I'm not sure that is what they want any more...

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

But there's the whole thing where Dom tells Brian about his father. Which he never ever talks about with anyone. Which is a problem for the writers, since how do you get a character to reveal his main motivation if he's the sort of character who never talks about it? So, as written, Dom doesn't really have a reason to reveal such a confidence to Brian instead of any of the other people in his life that he's known far longer, except that Brian is the main character. It's a glaring fucking plot hole. That only makes sense if Dom is in love with him. Call it romantic friendship if you want! But the normal progression of a friendship does not explain the immediate and complete level of intimacy and trust between the two necessitated by the plot.

Somebody had a blog post somewhere breaking down the movie point by point...

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

I really should probably have rewatched the first movie before making these claims. Then again, the people most vociferously disagreeing with me are slashers, and we have a fundamental disagreement anyway, Fast and Furious aside. The thing about the friendship in that movie is that it is intimate. I don't argue that it isn't, only that it isn't sexual. That, in the process of playing a part, Paul Walker's character (who I should really remember the name of, but never do) is freed from his own hang-ups and can be, ironically, very honest with Vin Diesel. Like he's trying to get on the Diesel's good side and into the inner circle, and nothing makes you seem less like someone who's hiding something than offering up real stories about himself.

If you find that blog post, I'd be happy to read it.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

I don't think you have to assume it's sexual for it to work plot wise, but I do think you have to assume it's romantic. Which is kind of what you're saying. The film functions only because of the immediate and intense intimacy between the leads.

Also, I hate Point Break. There, I said it. As a slasher, I hate it. I don't get it. The movie makes no fucking sense at all. I mean, The Fast and the Furious has some plot problems, but not on the level of the-guy-I'm-investigating-knows-I'm-an-undercover-cop-so-the-next-logical-choice-is-to-let-him-strap-me-to-a-parachute-and-jump-out-of-a-plane-with-him. NO FUCKING SENSE. And the Swayze strikes me as a genuine bad guy, whereas Dom did in the first movie and still does strike me as someone trying to do right by his crew but who is REALLY REALLY BAD AT IT. This whole movie? What the fucking fuck Dom? What the fuck kind of a plan is that??

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I see your point. I suppose you could call an intimate friendship romantic. It has some seriously sexual overtones when it is between two male friends, however, which is why I didn't refer to it as such in a discussion where I'm arguing that the relationship is not sexual.

Ah, Point Break. I watched that in my post-The Matrix Keanu binge, and although nothing could be as bad as Little Buddha (no, really, NOTHING could be, not even Tokyo Drift), it was pretty bad. Patrick Swayze's character compared to Vin Diesel's is interesting because I think you're right: Swayze is actually evil, whereas Diesel is a criminal with a heart of gold. Funny what limitations we put on our sympathetic bad guys these days, isn't it? Perhaps no one can stomach Vin Diesel actually being evil? I mean, even in Pitch Black, he comes to the right side by the end, no matter that he actually was a goddamned killer at the start (and remains so into the sequel).

As for the heist plans, yeah, well, The Fast and the Furious may be on a collision course with Ocean's Eleven, but Vin Diesel isn't George Clooney. Of course, Paul Walker isn't Brad Pitt, either.

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

Seriously--he has extensive information on a drug kingpin, and it doesn't even occur to him to barter to get his record cleared? Or at least Mia's record cleared? And then he goes forward with this ludicrous plan and proceeds to get a whole bunch more people on the most wanted list? Never mind that they wouldn't be in this bind in the first place if he hadn't told Mia to take off with the loot...

Seriously, Dom has like charisma 5, intelligence 1. People naturally look to him as a leader, but his plans are like let's run into the dragon's mouth! That sounds like fun!

[trinityvixen.livejournal.com]

Hee! I love that you rank Vin Diesel like a DnD character. He would probably like that, too, given that he's a stealth nerd. But, yeah, he's not a criminal mastermind. In fact, most of his plans that work, that we see, are incredibly simple things that anyone less obsessed with cars could probably pull off a lot more safely. But we have these cars! There has to be a way to use them!